tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88622766822554504832024-02-20T01:46:11.511-08:00inumeracyryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.comBlogger159125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-86695765165981862072015-02-25T19:16:00.005-08:002015-02-25T19:16:41.740-08:00elephant
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">As Caruth (1996) puts it, </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">trauma is </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">‘‘unclaimed.’’ </span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>The quality of traumatic experience is </i><i>that of </i></span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">‘‘a breach in the
mind’s experience of </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">time, self and the world’’ </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">The experience
of rupture </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">is felt in the failure of the mind’s capacity to </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">understand. </span></i><br />
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ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-40730411600920511372013-07-12T11:26:00.003-07:002015-02-01T22:21:58.575-08:00from the riverSomething I shared with a few friends, whom like me have felt the lens on life grey a little.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"Have you ever thought of it this way:<br />
<br />
Many people become existential and depressed because they seek life's purpose and find that they, find none.<br />
<br />
Strangely, I find the beauty of life in just that- that life has no purpose. It's appears to me to be one whole random, distorted, and yet, cohesive mess of anything and everything.<br />
<br />
But in that realisation itself you have everything.<br />
<br />
You no longer chase, you accept.<br />
You no longer strive, you become.<br />
You no longer try, you are.<br />
<br />
You will see that you are both nothing and everything there could ever possibly be. At once.<br />
<br />
And in that, my friend, is all there ever is, and all there ever needs to be."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-44292002252214269712015-01-09T08:17:00.001-08:002015-01-09T08:22:47.348-08:00hemmed in <span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If I haven't found the fulfillment that is supposed to come with </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">following and </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">believing and </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">investing in this faith,</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">what can I draw </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">but </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">either that I am approaching this the wrong way<br />that the constructs of man are teaching this the wrong way<br />or that God doesn't exist the way we think He does.</span><br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Be thou my vision" <br />You used to be<br />but I don't know what I see anymore. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And I don't want to be lukewarm<br />I don't want to be a Sunday Christian<br />I want to be all in or all out<br /><br />But I've been in limbo for way too long.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If I do go all out<br />then what do I commit my existence to? </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Another faith? Humanism? A simple life? <br />Definitely not devotion to art right?</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I guess therefore I stay </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">not so much as a positive conviction that this faith fulfills</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">but because I have found no other path that appears worthy enough </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">to promise something better.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And it's a pathetic place to stay in, </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961);">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">but there seems to be no other place to go.</span></div>
ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-10644057125107089712015-01-01T10:11:00.000-08:002015-01-09T08:10:13.039-08:00to choose again2014 has been an unexpected year.<br />
<br />
I guess to an extent I didn't really know what I should've expected this year - given that post-ORD seemed brimming with opportunities, and the anticipation of the beginning of my college experience halfway across the world.<br />
<br />
More and more I'm starting to believe that the person I used to be, or the person I tried to strive to be, was someone who believed that at any given point in time, I had to make the most logical, sound, rational, mature - in other words, the best decision I possibly could.<br />
<br />
When I think of how events unfolded this year, I can't help but wonder if sometimes, you should just go by feeling. When would someone ever know that your soundness of mind would ever be enough?<br />
<br />
I wonder - if I had predicted the fallibility of any decision in my life, would that change things? Should that change things? Is it too self-indulgent to say something is worth regret if you judge that you don't come out of it a better person? Is it too convenient to say nothing is worth regret because every experience you've ever encountered shaped you to be the person you are today?<br />
<br />
I think all my life I have been nurtured within privileged circumstances. Even when I was not seemingly given the upper hand, or inclined towards a certain thing, I would be able to replace talent with diligence. What I had easy, I tried to be grateful for, and what I didn't, I believed that with enough time and effort, could be obtained. Like drums, or art, or driving. And many other endeavours where I felt more handicapped than the average individual.<br />
<br />
People tell me that because it's not my fault, it's okay. But it's that very lack of control that makes it so uncomfortable. That I'm just the victim of circumstances, and I can't do anything about it. Helpless, with no control over the pain.<br />
<br />
2014 was a year where I was anticipating the new and unexpected, but definitely not to such a degree. It's pathetic, because it feels like the first half of the year was primarily filled with memories of the sustaining of something precious, and the second half was filled with the attempt to clear the rubble away. Building only to tear down.<br />
<br />
I am changed - I feel as if I've lost a part of myself, though I'm not entirely sure what it is. If I could place a finger on what it was roughly, it would fall along the lines of self-sufficiency. I'm certain that I've never felt true loneliness up to this point in my life.<br />
<br />
I know I say this a lot, but I feel a lot older than I should be. In terms of fatigue, jaded-ness, disillusionment. I've lost a certain spark. I'm unsure of this world and its constructs. And I'm not sure what fulfills me anymore. I fear to call this depression but sometimes can't help but wonder if this is verging on it.<br />
<br />
I'm not myself these days. I'm cranky, lose my patience easily, get annoyed easily, have a short fuse, easily get into depressive, melancholic moments. But I trust I won't be this way forever. I'm not going to force it out. I'm going to let time tide it out. And we'll see how it goes.<br />
<br />
The sky is overcast. Time is 4:39am; I'm wearing a tanktop and shorts, taking a walk around my field. It is drizzling.<br />
<br />
I am trying to think of a few things I've learnt this year.<br />
<br />
I think I have learnt that it is important to accept when it is not in your control - when something can't be worked for. That you have to accept things you can't fully understand, be it on logical or emotional terms. Your mind might accept things a lot faster than your heart. And sometimes, that's okay.<br />
<br />
This feels a lot easier to say, than to internalize.<br />
<br />
And because of this, I will continue working hard for the things that are within my control. <br />
<br />
I will hold on dearly to those whom deem me worthy, and strive to love them fiercely. Because above anything, love is a choice.<br />
<br />
I will keep loving. I have to.<br />
<br />
<br />
Here's to 2015. ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-74225177590525325462014-12-22T15:42:00.003-08:002015-01-01T09:27:36.307-08:00blankly<br />
<i>We were sitting<br />in a hangar of some sorts</i><br />
<i>comfortably and uncomfortably<br />far away from each other<br /><br />You asked if we could now go to class together</i><br />
<i>as if to relive some byegone, high-school days</i><br /><br /><i>I stared at you in disbelief</i><br /><br /><i>"Are you really so unaware of the gravity of this?"</i><br /><br /><i>You stare back blankly.</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><i>Then you turned away, looked down, sighed and said,</i><br /><i>"I've tried to be as respectful as I could in the end of all this."</i><br /><br /><br /><br />There has nothing that has been more inconsiderate of me as a human.ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-38866684624926243752014-12-25T20:08:00.001-08:002014-12-25T23:49:09.361-08:00axiomhere I am<br />
meeting everyone<br />
old and familiar<br />
warm and dear<br />
but I've never felt more<br />
<br />
aloneryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-21619866408723394352014-12-22T15:33:00.002-08:002014-12-22T15:34:00.020-08:00Beth / Rest<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /></span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px 10px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;">
<div style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Errant heat to the star</span></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And the rain let in</span></span></div>
<div style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The hawser rolls, the vessel’s whole and Christ, it’s thin</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Well Iʼd know that you’d offer</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Would reveal it, though it’s soft and flat</span></div>
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Won’t repeat it, cull and coffer’s that</span></div>
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">For the soffit, hang this homeward</span></div>
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Pry it open with your love</span></div>
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Sending lost and alone standing offers</span></div>
</span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">It is steep / it is stone</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Such recovery</span></div>
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">From the daily press, the deepest nest, in keeper’s keep</span></div>
</span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">All the news at the door</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Such a revelry</span></div>
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Well, it’s hocked inside of everything you said to me</span></div>
</span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">It was found what we orphaned</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Didn’t mention it would serve us picked</span></div>
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Said your love is known</span></div>
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">I’m standing up on it</span></div>
</span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Aren’t we married?</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">I ainʼt living in the dark no more</span></div>
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">It’s not a promise, Iʼm just gonna call it</span></div>
</span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Heavy mitted love</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Our love is a star</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">Sure some hazardry</span></div>
</span><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">For the light before and after most indefinitely</span></div>
</span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Danger has been stole away</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is axiom<br /><br /><br />- Bon Iver</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px;">
</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-33093040311097467822014-12-02T09:55:00.002-08:002014-12-02T09:57:12.811-08:00Climb out<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;">Out to where you see<br />The curl of the world</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: center;">You were the boat that bridged</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: center;">In the tale of Conrad</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: center;">We will never be the change</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: center;">To the weather and the sea and you knew that</span></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: center;">You were the boat that bridged</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: center;">In the tale of Conrad</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: center;">Oh I loved you with the good</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: center;">And the careless of me</span><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 13.3333339691162px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-size: 13.3333339691162px; text-align: center;">But it all goes back</span></span></span>ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-33172704434659394122014-11-30T15:55:00.002-08:002014-11-30T15:55:46.415-08:00FlyI want to<br />run<br />somewhere<br />Far<br />
far<br />
far<br />
far<br />
far<br /><br />Away.ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-54496035250813064542014-11-12T12:23:00.003-08:002014-11-12T12:23:38.704-08:00let's gowait out in the fields with the ones we love.ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-67438431167086383572014-10-30T16:17:00.000-07:002014-10-30T16:17:00.756-07:00Adam's LakeI will hold you there;<br /><br />There.ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-27626629522387963372014-10-04T18:21:00.001-07:002014-10-04T18:23:00.430-07:00you were always weak<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">but I never had to hold you by the edges like I do now.</span>ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-56973751031495698132014-08-25T16:33:00.001-07:002014-09-21T23:25:39.757-07:00If I had an orchard,I'd work till' I'm raw.<br />
<br />
If I had an orchard<br />
I'd work till I'm sore<br />
And you would('ve) wait(ed) tables <br />
and soon run the store.<br />
<br />
Gold hair in the sunlight,<br />
my light in the dawn;<br />
If I had an orchard, I'd work till I'm sore.<br />
<br />
If I had an orchard, I'd work till I'm sore.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Someday I'll be like the man on the screen.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>~ Helplessness Blues </i>| Fleet Foxes</span>ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-31515146798533519592014-09-21T16:00:00.002-07:002014-09-21T23:25:06.512-07:00long enough to be sure<div style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px 10px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">And I'll wait here a while</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Just long enough to be <br />Sure t</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;">hat you <br />Didn't make a wrong turn</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">And I'll wait long enough</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Maybe an hour or two</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Before I decide </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">It wasn't me, it was you</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">It wasn't me, it was you</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">And I would like you to know</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Although it seems sad to say</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">This was only the worst hour of my day</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">The worst hour of my day</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">How long has it been on your mind?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Do you think about it when we laugh?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">I think that it's a big mistake</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Because I think that we could make it last</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Even if it's just for a while</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">And I'll wait here for now</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Just long enough to be </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Sure t</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;">hat you <br />Really want to go through with this</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Because I don't really want to go through with this</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Do you really want to go through with this?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">~ <i>Wrong Turn </i>| Jack Johnson</span></div>
</div>
ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-54096047974304032672014-02-17T08:51:00.007-08:002014-02-18T19:57:00.929-08:00giving, loving, death, life, dreams. Haven't written in a while.<br />
<br />
Since Christmas, I've seen a few things.<br />
<br />
-One.<br />
<br />
That I had taken for granted the aphorism, "It is better to give than to receive."<br />
<br />
By actually doing Christmas shopping, and seeing the reactions of my family to the presents I gave them, I unintentionally made this the most powerful Christmas I've had in recollection. There is some truly remarkable joy, to taking time to find something special to give to those you love.<br />
<br />
<br />
-Two.<br />
<br />
That the more we learn to accept death, the more we learn to cherish life.<br />
<br />
Just before the New Year, Isaac passed away. I wouldn't kid myself to say I was close to him, but he was definitely more than just an acquaintance. He was the kind of person I didn't have to talk to very much, yet I could still feel like the day was made better when I saw or talked to him. He started a fad amongst his friends, where they nicknamed me, "Golden Boy". <br />
<br />
Such a frivolous and retarded thing it seemed to be. But it took his passing to make me think back and realise that even such a small thing made an impact on me - to know that even though it was somewhat in jest, he saw something special about me, molded it to his charming design, and used it to affect encouragement on me. I guess when you unfold even the most unassuming words and unfurl the simplest actions, you can find the most genuine desire to love.<br />
<br />
His death sparked in me a desire to read all the cards I had ever got from people, to meet with people I hadn't met with in a while. And in re-remembering that death can come at any time, it helped me realise that the trick was not to live life as fast and as much as possible.<br />
<br />
You can't see everything there is to see; <br />
experience every experience there is to experience;<br />
It is impossible. Whether you live to 20 or to 99.<br />
<br />
<br />
I think that perhaps, many treasures come when you live life slow.<br />
<br />
<br />
In taking the time to play with the dogs when I come back home.<br />
<br />
In lying on the couch to see my thoughts as they float,<br />
like a bunch of feathers from a height,<br />
and watch them slowly<br />
flutter down.<br />
<br />
In meeting interesting people one-on-one,<br />
rather than trying to catch up with many at a party.<br />
<br />
In eating a meal alone, and looking out onto the garden.<br />
<br />
In painting a memory, from a long, long time ago.<br />
<br />
In resting, even when you're fully awake, with the one you love.<br />
<br />
In writing a blog post, as slowly and intentionally as you want to, just because.<br />
<br />
I'm still learning this, because by my nature, I fear being inefficient, and not living life to the best I can, and not doing things to the best I can. But I'm learning, and I'll keep learning.<br />
<br />
This is the way I see it-<br />
<br />
That the fear of death would have you living life, desperately, to the most that you can. To see all there is to see, to know all there is to know, to feel all there is to feel, and even, to love all the people there are to love. But you never will.<br />
<br />
The recognition of death would have you living life.<br />
<br />
<br />
-Three. <br />
<br />
That most dreams are nothing but the indulgent musings of the spoilt and sheltered,<br />
Of the very, very misled.<br />
<br />
And I've been very, very misled. <br />
By my own presumptions and flawed judgements.<br />
<br />
How foolish I had been-<br />
To crown myself with a declaration of self-awareness,<br />
with a proclaimed boldness<br />
to be daring<br />
to be different<br />
to take the path less travelled.<br />
<br />
All around me all I saw was what I chose to see.<br />
<br />
I did not see those that used to have the same drive as me-<br />
<br />
That they had to smother their pursuits for bread on the table.<br />
<br />
That they had to rein in their dreams for the support of loved ones.<br />
<br />
And some, who never had the liberty or right to dream in the first place-<br />
<br />
Who from young knew nothing but the sun on their cracked lips,<br />
or their backs etched and carved from whips;<br />
their eyes never dry from the remembrance of all that had been lost:<br />
home, family, friends,<br />
dignity, rights.<br />
<br />
humanity.<br />
<br />
and anything that word stood for<br />
became a mockery, and a tight slap in the face<br />
for what they now have to endure.<br />
<br />
And here I am typing on my computer.<br />
Painting in the making.<br />
Drumset in the corner.<br />
<br />
A roof over my head.<br />
A family who loves me.<br />
Friends who care.<br />
<br />
How does one continue to live their life guiltlessly, in the awareness of such outrageous atrocity.<br />
How to stay convicted to chase your dreams, when so many never had the chance.<br />
How bloody, bloody, spoilt, sheltered, and lucky I am.<br />
<br />
I always anchored myself by choosing to see those who seemed to take the safe path in life, and prided myself in believing I had been daring to choose differently, to "do what I love".<br />
<br />
How naive an outlook it was.<br />
<br />
Singapore and my family have sheltered me extensively.<br />
I'm still half-desiring and half-reluctant to get out of my comfort zone, of my securities.<br />
But it seems to be the only response possible, given my current circumstances.<br />
<br />
Dreams are the sparks of our childhood, that I had been led to believe could turn into magnificent flames, if we only kept them from being extinguished. To light our own lives. But in a sick, sick world, there just doesn't seem to be space for such wishful egocentric thinking anymore. <br />
<br />
Some have never seen such light in their life, let alone had the chance to keep a flame burning.<br />
<br />
If we only brought our flames to these people,<br />
Then maybe we could slowly start to say, <br />
<br />
we can dream again.<br />
<br />ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-67934109223397969962013-11-20T09:09:00.000-08:002013-11-20T09:09:36.127-08:00gravity<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I have just finished watching <span style="line-height: 16px;">Alfonso Cuarón's Gravity for the second time.<br /><br />It's strange, because when I say 'just' I refer to 2.25pm - 4.10pm, yet the film is fresh in my head. The time is 1:07am (blog timings displayed are sometimes wrong).<br />Even as I type this, I'm listening to its score.<br /><br />It is a movie that has taken me beyond any movie experience. Standing on the shoulders of stunning visuals, amazing cinematography and convincing soundscape, is a story of chaos and beauty, simplicity and magnificence, and hope in futility. Human strength in human love. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">It not only draws us to our existence; it leaves us feeling over-exposed to our very human condition. One cannot help but feel insignificant, and humbled in the presence - which the movie simulates very well - of the depths of space but moreover, in the face of earth's wonder, as seen from above. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">Sandra Bullock's performance is outstanding. Passion, grief, fear, hope, despair, anger, and love are fleshed out in her reactions to everything around her so realistically - I am so thankful that </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px;">Cuarón is the visionary that he is, to be able to realise that the cosmos was an ultimate platform to allow such basic human experiences to develop so masterfully. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">Admittedly I might be giving Gravity undue credit because I've always had a childlike obsession with outer space. Yet it is this same obsession that has always left me and other blockbusters like Star Trek or Prometheus ending on a sour note. Gravity is the closest film to giving the galaxies the credit they are due, rather than brashly smearing some sci-fi lasers all over them.<br /><br />It makes me re-think adventure, exploration, and even my own passions. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><br />I am utterly awed by the sheer amount of depth in every aspect of this film. <br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">Thank you </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px;">Cuarón. </span>ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-68392530770747324702013-05-02T01:07:00.002-07:002013-05-02T01:07:55.007-07:00transience.I had just come back from germany.<br />
<br />
After lunch, I was sitting at the dining table.<br />
<br />
My sister kept her plate and went to play with the dogs in the dining room, cocoa and chips were jumping about her and onto the sofa and there was laughter and fun.<br />
<br />
and the solitude of the moment just hit me. like just another one of the many moments of this crazy, crazy existence we live. the combined and collaborated space and dimension of all human existence collapsed together in my mind like one intensely colourful dustball, i could visualise it quite well.<br />
<br />
and i was acutely aware of extreme sorrow and joy, of the transient nature of such experiences. and it was so sad and so beautiful at the same time, it was strange. the living room where my sister and the dogs were playing flicked like a motion picture to a frame in the future, where the sofas were being packed away in cling wrap and the walls were stained with wear and weather and strange men were in the house dismantling it, then back to the present with my sister and the dogs.<br />
<br />
my sister was delightfully explaining to me some weird thing the dogs had done together but it had become translucent to me.<br />
<br />
<br />
moments like this make me wonder if sometimes i could be slightly insane.ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-50278987449143580552007-07-31T03:38:00.000-07:002013-03-24T03:57:19.788-07:00a paper crane<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">i think i overdid this story with too much drama and expressive words, so it might seem a little/lot weird. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">hope you enjoy it though! (:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"></span><br />
<div align="center">
<strong><u><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">a paper crane</span></u></strong></div>
<div align="center">
<strong><u><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"></span></u></strong></div>
<div align="left">
<strong><u><span style="font-family: verdana;">Part 1</span></u></strong></div>
<div align="left">
<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">They had come. My heart froze for a second.<br /><br />And then I caught up with reality.<br /><br />I quickly grabbed the photo, and a neatly-crafted piece of origami from the table. Other than those two items and the element of time, everything in this old shack would have no more value to me. They were approaching nearer with every heart-quaking second. I had to hide.<br /><br />In my best effort to secure myself, I lay there, motionless. The sweat didn’t help. I looked at the two items in my hands. The paper model of the crane looked as beautiful as ever, and I tried my best not to spoil it with the sweat beads in my hands. The crack of broken wood rang in my ears, more traumatising than when I first heard the soft pounding of bomb shells a few months ago. The sounds of hurried footsteps and tongues speaking in Japanese were presented. The Grim Reaper’s greeting. The sound of metal clunked as they presumably, took all my stores of food away.<br /><br />My location was not to be spared. The unlocked door was slammed open, followed by half a dozen of legs clad in a yellowish khaki material. Wardrobes fell onto the floor, each deafening crash making ripples in my heart.<br /><br />And as the mattress was lifted off the finely-carved wooden structure, light spilled onto me. And I was exposed. As I closed my eyes, my heart froze in time, and all sound faded. I ignored the chances and odds, held the simple reed cross that was tied to my neck, and prayed like never before.<br /><br />My eyes opened, and the light was gone. My shock overpowered my happiness. Had he not realised? My hope grew, only to be smothered again when the above mattress was once again lifted up, this time not in their hope to find goods. But me.<br /><br />The man clad in a different uniform slyly grinned down at me. He did not have flaps hanging next to his ears, and he had on a different headgear. His smile then faded, and he shouted something at a nearby soldier. I identified him as the one who had first lifted up the mattress. He then turned to face me, and shouted something I could in my best efforts, not identify by knowledge, but by inference. I slowly crawled out, and bowed in insincere respect. The seemingly superior officer pulled me up by my hair, and more instructions were barked. Shortly after, I found myself as an oddity in a group of Japanese soldiers. My hands were tightly tied behind my back with rope. I was brought onto a truck with them, and was roughly tossed onto the ground like an inanimate object. I had not the slightest clue what they were going to do to me. But as the engine of the vehicle sinisterly chuckled, my depression lightened as I remembered the photo and paper crane I had hastily stuffed, but with great care, into my pocket before I was found.<br /><br />At least I had those.<br /><br />The truck stopped, and I was brought out, into an atmosphere of sheer dullness. The concrete-based compound was bordered with similar trucks, and lines of Chinese men were slowly filing out. Out of the blue, a flour bag was tossed on top of me, completely covering my head and neck, resting limply on my shoulders. Holes were present for me to see and breathe though. I could not understand why I was to be alone, and not along with the countless files of other Chinese men.<br /><br />I had not known then.<br />I had not known then of their purposes.<br />I had not known then of my use to them. I had not known then that that bag around my head was my protection from humiliation.<br />I had not known then that that bad around my head was the fuel of my disgrace.<br />-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div align="left">
<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><strong><u><span style="font-family: verdana;">Part 2</span></u></strong><br />I was still there. The bag was never taken off my head. Only when I took that ever-seldom bath, and when I caught that precious pinch of rest every night. It had been three months, and it had felt like my lifetime’s worth. I was never knowing what to feel. Only knowing what to do.<br /><br />And that morning would have been no different.<br /><br />I woke up at 5.35am.<br />No bath, no change of clothes that day. There were no extra clothes anyway. The only attire that was ever shifted on and off my body was a brown flour bag, that had gotten mouldy and more grim-looking with the rain’s encouragement.<br /><br />They were not on patrol yet. Feathers on my feet, I crept to the wood plank at the corner of the room. I lifted it, my stomach flipping. And I took out the treasures of my life. He was so young then. I wondered where he was now. How did he look like? I tried to imagine.<br /><br />And the only thing he left with me has not been easy to keep in best condition. The crane was crumpled and creased, over its months of sweat and hopeless repair. It’s head could be barely seen; at least what was left of it. What used to be a faint pink crisp material had become soft, and well-rubbed with dirt.<br /><br />Footsteps and shouting. My heart took a freefall. The corridor lights flickered on after I threw the board back down. A figure of fear stepped in and curtly shouted a phrase of Japanese. Hearing it every morning, I inferred that it meant, “Get into gear, and get down to your job.”<br /><br />A depressing odour filled my head as my world’s lights were limited to two small holes. Routine took place. I heaved down the grey sullen steps, with the commander pushing me with no hint of compassion from behind.<br /><br />Soon enough, the lines of men appeared over the pale blue horizon, giving my heart the same regretful feeling. They halted in unison, as if there was a barrier that the limit of my current sight could not see. One by one, they were pushed in front of me. Each face, each man, had been conditioned in my eyes as one and the same.<br /><br />They’re all a deck of cards. The first and second cards drawn are bad. The third would be the one shot down. My sense of justice was The-Third-Apple-Was-Always-Unripe. I had not any sense of righteousness in my mind. I used to break down at the thought of what happened to those I chose at random. Now, it didn’t matter anymore.<br /><br /><br />Not until time froze, and noise shivered away. The Ace of Spades flicked in front of me. The picture’s background grew increasingly blur, was this really him? I looked at his right ear. My pupils narrowed. That scar was unmistakable. His nose and mouth were streaked with dry crimson, and his forehead was dust grey. His eyes were steady, brave. “Torment” was not in his vocabulary, as he stared into my unknown eyes. Because if he knew, those narrow suspenseful eyes would broaden. And I would see the life I once knew in him.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><strong><u><span style="font-family: verdana;">Part 3</span></u></strong><br /><br />I breathed. This was the third card. This was the Ace of Spades. The gears in my mind back winded, and it seemed as if the universe was sucking in on me. The chances were 33%, why must it be now? The stars were falling and no one else was affected by this sudden central apocalypse.<br /><br />And then my mind broke its shackles. The suction of the universe slowed to a stop, and reversed its play, shooting out of central. I had a rush of energy, and I felt like I was energized by all the darkness that had willed me to summon it. My hands could crush the universe to powder. I was a god. Nothing could stop me.<br /><br />I swung the bag off my face. Humiliation could not reach a god. Humiliation would not care to a god. I grabbed the nearest officer, only to find my face smashing into the dirt. I could not care. I flailed and kicked, and the shouts were nothing but mere babies’ noise to me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><em><span style="font-size: 85%;">No, I won't let this happen.</span></em> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><br />I hit the dirt again. Only this time, it was grainy, rougher dirt. I looked up for a split second, and then was shoved in the back, an action that only pushed me forward. Blood trickled down the right side of my face, as the vision of the waves grew closer. They were so calm. So calm, yet so deadly.<br /><br />I looked to my right, and there he was. I smiled; the calm after the storm. He could not smile back, but in my worst of hope, turned away. I knew that in the mixture of sweat, blood and dirt, there were tears. Tears not of regret, not of sorrow, but of disappointment.<br /><br />We stopped, and the soft subtle crash of the waves calmed me. I had nothing to be afraid of.<br /><br />Faraway, the Japanese were unloading some heavy chunks of unidentified metal from the truck, and placing them in a linear pattern about 50 metres off. I had already known what they were. Men began to crouch behind the hunks of metal, and the last few hunks were assembling.<br /><br />“What’s that you’ve got in your hands?” The Ace of Spades turned to me and questioned in spite.<br />“Not much that would concern you,” I said, and opened my cupped hands, revealing the photo and paper crane inside.<br />And I saw him start to cry again. I looked at him with love, and he looked back at me with crystal eyes. This would be the last time I saw this Ace. This crystal. My one and only son.<br /><br />And then, one by one they began to fall. The dominos ladder came up till it hit him. I only heard his cries, my eyes being closed in preparation. But there was no impact. I opened them two seconds later, first I saw the blood of my son staining the ocean, and then I looked up to see the black chunk being filled with pellets.<br /><br />I cupped my two hands and drew them up to my heart. I closed my eyes once again, but that couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I felt nothing, but fell to the ground.<br /><br />Not now… don’t miss me now. Out of all the times I had to survive, why now? Out of the corner of my eyes, I checked my condition. My elbow had been smeared by a bullet. I looked straight. And saw his eyes for the fourth time. They were open and blank.<br /><br />But in it flashed a twinge of happiness. Which was all that mattered to me anymore.<br /><br />As a shadow fell over me, my face lifted to meet the enemy. He pointed his gun to me, tipped with an intimidating metal, but just another harmless helper.<br /><br />“You can make me serve you. You can make me your prisoner.”<br /><br />I grabbed his gun.<br /><br />“But you can never take away my heart. I am free.”<br /><br />I drove it deep into my darkness.<br /><br />My head fell. There was no pain. The paper crane was freckled crimson, and was slowly drifted off by the waves. Drifting, drifting…like the light of my mind, until nothing existed.<br /><br /><em>I am free.</em></span>ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-57118010893660575742013-03-09T00:56:00.001-08:002013-03-24T03:56:21.174-07:00days of yore. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>I had to write an essay for "What is one event that has changed your life?".</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>I chose to remember Odyssey of the Mind. </i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;">I wasn't always the way I am now.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;">In Primary 4, I was anti-social: I didn't talk to people - in family gatherings and Sunday school I preferred keeping to myself. Teachers thought there was something wrong with me. My parents thought I was an introverted daydreamer. My friends were mainly from school - we were a small bunch who usually kept to ourselves. The word “people-person” could not be ascribed to me at all.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;">Then, one of my teachers who saw promise in my creative thinking encouraged me to join Odyssey of the Mind – a creative problem-solving competition. It incorporated elements of drama, extroverted presentation and teamwork. I didn’t know what to think, or whether to believe if this teacher had judged me correctly. It seemed so unorthodox and moreover, it was out of my comfort zone. Nevertheless, I was fond of this teacher. He was inspiring and cared for his students, and never excluded me despite my withdrawn nature. I decided to give it a shot.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;">It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;">My team members were mostly extroverted, a wild bunch of people filled with eccentricity and, yet, there was something extremely welcoming about them. They made me feel comfortable in opening up, and welcome amongst the extroversion. Most of all, they let out the dreamer within – the character, who usually hid coyly behind the face of a quiet boy, found its place to shine in an environment which encouraged such out-of-the-box thinking.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;">In the months of our preparation, radical ideas were discussed. Our skit was moulded, kneaded and continuously being rebuilt and recast. I quickly grew fond of the entire operation and allowed myself to be whole-heartedly absorbed into the process. Very soon, I was no longer the meek boy who walked soundlessly down corridors; once class ended, I ran, skipped even, all the way to the room where we would once again work on our project. Despite all the hours burnt in that little room, none of them felt like a waste of time. Even when the competition drew closer, and we had to stay past the usual ending time of other CCAs, we emerged from that room each night, tired but with a smile.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;">In addition to giving me an atmosphere where I felt at home and discovered myself to greater depths, Odyssey of the Mind exposed me to a world far beyond what I ever expected to experience as a Primary school student. Having done well in the Nationals competition, we were given an opportunity to participate in the World Finals held in Boulder, Colorado, USA. Before I took part in this competition, my outlook on life was not far from any typical hardworking student – “I must work hard and have good character to live life well.” I thought decent people must have this attitude, and that was how the world worked. But upon arrival at Colorado, I met a wide range of international students. Through this experience, I met people with different cultures, points of view and outlooks on life. I realized how little I actually knew of the whole world, and was amazed by the short glimpse of what I was fortunately allowed to see. I was excited, encouraged and enlightened. I had never seen people in such a beautiful light, all coming together from many places, for a single purpose – to express themselves in great zest and with great passion.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;">Odyssey of the Mind played a pivotal role in shaping me. When I look back, I can barely imagine any other way that small quiet boy could become the confident outspoken character that I see myself to be today. It taught me how to be a team player from working alone, how to think out of the box instead of thinking conventionally, and how to find strength in myself in place of meekness. Most of all, the experience cultivated my passion for the arts and moreover, let me discover myself.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> </span></span>ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-64905487978730038832013-02-24T05:20:00.000-08:002013-02-24T05:22:01.421-08:00introspection. i just had a fascinating conversation.<br />
<br />
marcus and i talked about a great deal of many things.<br />
God. Life. Art. Me. and my shit.<br />
<br />
it was a good, rich, meaningful, thought-provoking discussion.<br />
<br />
regarding God, he said maybe I have taken the very foundational grace granted by Him for granted, and I was looking for something too real, expecting too much, instead of appreciating what I had.<br />
<br />
regarding art, he said it could've screwed too much with my brain, made me question too much, made me too cynical, too critical.<br />
<br />
regarding me and my full-of-shitness, he said that I subtly hint of standards that I seem to believe but which I don't hold myself to. Like how I claim to love people but don't behave so. How I am so willing to be the great USA (quote from art room not from this conversation but something I recall now), accepting of everyone yet not being vulnerable and open enough in reciprocation.<br />
<br />
"Sometimes people need to know that if you're willing to hear their souls' lamentations, you have to give a part of yours in exchange. You don't do that."<br />
<br />
A very good conversation, something I will continue to chew and roll around in my mind.<br />
<br />
thank you marcus. (:<br />
<br />ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-36151714876569567672012-12-25T03:56:00.001-08:002012-12-25T03:58:04.958-08:00remembrance.<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">so this is Christmas</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">and what have you done</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">~ Happy Christmas (War Is Over) | John Lennon</span></span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></i>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></i>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">this year, has been a/an (filled with an adjective I cannot find) one. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">so much has happened, yet so little.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">I have learnt, that maybe faith is not so much a firm belief, but more so a continuous hoping.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;">I have seen, once again, that people are beautiful creatures.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;">I have awed, at how beautiful storms, and by this I refer to all kinds, can be. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;">I have dabbled, in the ways of what it means to love. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;">I have tasted, the bittersweet joys and pains of nostalgia.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;">I have felt, once again, the enigmatic folds and curls and lulls and rushes of time perceived.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;">I have realised, that simple joys like family and loved ones will always be more than you think is enough.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">I have remembered that above all, life is beautiful.</span></span></span>ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-65343116971320064182012-11-30T10:49:00.002-08:002012-11-30T10:49:31.654-08:00no more words.when the situation is so dire,<br />
the emotions so heavy,<br />
but there are just no more words.ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-38306810926182375942012-09-23T01:41:00.000-07:002012-09-23T01:41:15.790-07:00no more bolognaise please.army is like the grumpy italian maid who always cooks the crappy bolognaise pasta.<br />
<br />
she comes up to you, serves you a big plate of the nasty stuff-<br />
<br />
"EAT. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU."<br />
<br />
but I can't. <br />
I can't eat the big plate of growing up.<br />
<br />ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-88932094688554940742012-09-01T02:06:00.001-07:002012-09-01T02:06:30.829-07:00help me find. this world has limited space for dreamers. ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8862276682255450483.post-21385342886723528672012-07-19T03:48:00.004-07:002012-08-03T00:19:54.040-07:00across a new sky.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/7VIMNOdFkGA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div style="background-color: white; text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I look for your face in the morning light,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Warm glow dances on your cheeks and eyes, eyes,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">I can't forget, all those times that we spent,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Finding each piece of ourselves,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Couldn't stop our ascent, couldn't stop our ascent,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Across a new sky, making old friends,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Paths lead to places we'll find,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Here's where we begin.</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Take everyday, make it something new,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">With eyes wide watching everything we do,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And I can't forget, all those nights that we spent,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">We moved with our feet never touching the ground,</span><br style="color: #333333; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="color: #333333; display: inline !important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Couldn't stop our ascent, couldn't stop our ascent.</span></span></div>ryan.http://www.blogger.com/profile/18189086545161363912noreply@blogger.com0