note to self.

" For what it's worth -

it's never too late, or in my case too early,

to be whoever you wanna be.

there's no dying limit, you can stop wherever you want-

you can change or stay the same;

there are no rules to this thing.

we can make the best or the worst of it -

i hope you make the best of it.

i hope you see things that startle you

i hope you feel things you never felt before.

i hope you meet people with a different point of view.

i hope you live a life that you're proud of.

if you find that you're not -

i hope you have the strength

to start all over again. "

~ the curious case of benjamin button.

paradox of a man.

i want to do everything yet dislike so many experiences.

i want to go everywhere but i want to stay right here.

i want to be immortal but have a time to die.

i want it simple; i want it complex.

i want to destroy; i want to create.

i am transitory yet i attempt stability.

i am a paradox of a man.

over-fantastical.

psychological nuances.

"accept that the reality of this world does not fit your psychological nuances." - toj.

definitely true.

hard to accept.

i am feeling strange now. i am not at the deepest region of the pit like i was in my last post.

i am feeling strangely calm and peaceful, like everything's alright.

yet distant, like my seeking is still a wild dog on a leash, pulling far ahead, away from me.

and like this wild dog, my identity seeks to mark its territory everywhere;

i enjoy collecting my experiences.

like my wild dog,

i'm always excited to find a new place;

yet not content enough to settle there.

i think at the center of ourselves we are all still children -

intuitive enough to follow the heart's curiosity,

ignorant enough to believe that there can ever be a settling - a true contentment.

but always full of the energy to keep skipping along.

the same dream.

it's more than just the fatigue of daily living;

it's more than just the drudgery of routine in life.

it's a striving, a seeking;

a yearning that caves down on itself in a realisation of hopelessness because maybe we're all just too fantastical.

my greatest fear, is living a normal life.

we are too ignorant--ignorance that leads to fear--to admit reality's grasp over our imaginative idealism.

not talking about the reality of making a living, i have no fear over that,

but the reality of living.

in years to come, it is possible that i'll look back on this and laugh, seeing some folly which the present self fails to realise, the folly of a dream.

but i fear who that man might be.

and that right now, this moment, dream-like as it might seem in the future, is everything in absolution at its purest form.

"...that they might go the fools among."

life as of now.

whether its ignorance or strength

its hard to tell; could be an intertwining of both.

maybe ignorance is strength.

i could be better off not knowing.

transitory.

I’m gasping in a dream
but the dream itself isn’t suffocating;
I’m just gasping in one.

delicate, surreal.

delicate.

Why is it all transitory.
where am I going;
where I am going-
What If.

gah.

ib's not getting harder;

i'm getting lazier.