observation.

i think a child just might have the best observation skills around.

when we're born into this world,

everything is fresh, new, unfamiliar, and most of all,

uncomfortable.

by sheer instinct babies react to anything they're not comfortable with.

they're on high alert for just about anything, albeit their mother's embrace.

all too often when i see babies, or even young children, their eyes are wide, alert, and darting.

and it is this unfamiliarity, this sense of fresh exposure, that allow their traveling eyes to capture their surroundings.

as we grow, antiquity and familiarity moss over the world, like a veil of dust.

our eyes droop - we look at our feet - and the child-like shine we once had disappears.

and perhaps only returns every once in a while we play tourist.

even the artists, as much as we strive to observe,

grow bored,

grow tired,

grow old.

we attempt to observe the usual in unusual ways,

but might fail to re-capture the freshness, magic, and enchantment little children all too plausibly see everyday.

as children, we observe what we genuinely want to, what we need to.

as we become old, it is likely we observe what we think we want to,

what we think we need to.

conditioning is inevitable, yet somehow necessary.

we shall make do.

let's not grow too fast.

elitism.

if we should seclude ourselves,

build our walls,

sensationalise our hermit ways-

what is this all then?

melodrama?

pretension?

romanticism?

elitism?

i consciously claim that it is mere difference that separates us.

perceived difference leads to elitism only when it causes elevation.

but perhaps elevation has resulted from our constant tendency of over-sensationalisation.

is it then not just child's play?

or does it reach into far more malicious, self-conceited depths?

then the question lies if we are too obsessed with the all too common tumblr-driven hormone,

or if it is a genuine need/issue that one cannot deny.

i would argue the latter, but i cannot deny the effects of the former.

hah but eitherways we're enjoying it aren't we.

recognise.

art is not paint on a canvas,

smudge on an apron,

it's not detachment where we retreat to our little cave

and indulge away with our little brushes, colours, palettes.

we don't condemn the mathematician for formulating,

neither do we judge the scientist for experimenting,

in the end no one can say that these things aren't art either.

art is when you confess that you're daring to challenge-

that you're willing to not just follow but explore for yourself.

if the mathematician destructs the 1+1,

or the scientist offers the radical hypothesis;

likewise on the other hand if the painter paints the perfect mona lisa-

who's the artist?

art is a jungle exploration with scimitars, not a guided hike with insect repellent.

it is a passionate confession, recognition, that you're an individual.

just you, not this whole "collective entity which gives you your identity" schmitz.

everyone should be living art in whatever they do.

note to self.

" For what it's worth -

it's never too late, or in my case too early,

to be whoever you wanna be.

there's no dying limit, you can stop wherever you want-

you can change or stay the same;

there are no rules to this thing.

we can make the best or the worst of it -

i hope you make the best of it.

i hope you see things that startle you

i hope you feel things you never felt before.

i hope you meet people with a different point of view.

i hope you live a life that you're proud of.

if you find that you're not -

i hope you have the strength

to start all over again. "

~ the curious case of benjamin button.

the same dream.

it's more than just the fatigue of daily living;

it's more than just the drudgery of routine in life.

it's a striving, a seeking;

a yearning that caves down on itself in a realisation of hopelessness because maybe we're all just too fantastical.

my greatest fear, is living a normal life.

we are too ignorant--ignorance that leads to fear--to admit reality's grasp over our imaginative idealism.

not talking about the reality of making a living, i have no fear over that,

but the reality of living.

in years to come, it is possible that i'll look back on this and laugh, seeing some folly which the present self fails to realise, the folly of a dream.

but i fear who that man might be.

and that right now, this moment, dream-like as it might seem in the future, is everything in absolution at its purest form.

"...that they might go the fools among."

fight for (2).

art is not a capability but a confession.

it's not whether you have talent, skill, ability or not - conventional, shallow, traits.

but whether you're willing to aspire, to admit, to choose, to fight.

and what makes art, art, is that it is a confession, that not just anyone, or everyone, is willing to speak, or make.

but if there did come a day, where everyone could/would confess.

art just might become that little bit less special.

girl-bias.

an old newness.

white light orbs flash across,
the concave contours of the,
glossy blue chairs like how,
pebbles skip across the water.

empty whispers in the dark rushing by
sometimes, screeching whispers,
not of people, meaningless yet scary to imagine if
it were real?

lean forward and take, breathe it in.
an old newness.


took circle line mrt on 28th, first day of opening of the marymount-bartley section.
pretty cool, new new smell of mrt is nice, the train colour's black some more.
i think for now, this will decrease my transport time between acsi and home by at least 5 mins, so that's about 55 mins now, awesome.


now for some interesting thoughts! :P

i have a theory right, that in most or some boys, there's this sense of girl-bias.
like basically, instinctively, boys will treat girls in a nicer way because they're...well, girls.

like for e.g., you'll normally see a friendster testimonial/facebook wall cliche conversation between a girl-girl, or a guy-girl, but not so often guy-guy.
you see guys going like "hey! how are you? remember me! met you at fusion!" to some girl, but you don't really see them doing that to other guys.
and then both parties will engage in some long wall/testimonial conversation which sounds super friendly-like/superficial. now i'm not saying this is WRONG, neither am i implying that it is at all disgusting to have friendly-like conversations with a girl (as a guy), just saying it could be a case of girl-bias.

excuses and explanations.
and then some guys will say stuff like "oh, cos' girls are so much easier to talk to." now i'll admit there's some truth to this, i mean not to get scientific-ky, but guys' are proven to be more event-oriented and girls, relationship-oriented. but if you are able to talk to that certain girl well, then you're just defeating your stereotype of guys being hard to talk to, unless you think all guys are hard to talk to except you. personally, i've tried before, girls generally do seem to be more receptive than boys. (for those i've talked to).

and there's the boys, who are really just...more effeminate? not that it's bad, it's just like a spectrum, seriously, doesn't have anything to do with gayness or anything, you can be manly and gay. yeah so ok in the case of effeminate boys, then yeah, i think they would click better with girls, but for most cases...i don't think it's the situation.

and just for the record, i personally think it's kinda stupid/sickening if a guy talks superficial stuff just for the sake of interacting with a girl, if it's unnatural and if it doesn't reflect his true personality.

now, i'm not denying that i have any girl-bias. i'm sure as a boy, i have some. but i still interact with boys, and do it the same way as with girls. sure, i adapt and have slight personality shifts in different relationships, but i believe it's individual-oriented, not gender-oriented.

haha, yep, something to think about.
oh this is not a personal attack to anyone, in case you thought it was, it's just a thought.




whooopee whee blast off it's the june holidays.

freedom.

haven't blogged in quite a while, hope y'all liked "kiwi!". (:


what is true freedom?

well, i'd say it's when one is not bound by any shackles, be it literally or figuratively.

one might say or exclaim, "I'm free!" when his or her homework assignments are completed. One would shout 'Freedom!', when the school bell rings, and the tons of restless students pour out of the classrooms.

freedom, might be believed to be all above.

but is this word really taken seriously?
are we all truly free at times like this?
our philosophy could be, "work's done, let's do whatever we want."

but then again, are we actually FREE to do so?

i bring it back to the topic of God's will. (I debated with cleo about this.)
like i said before, if God knows the future, theoretically, we wouldn't be able to choose our actions.

these are the facts laid out.

1. God already KNOWS what we did in the future.
2. There can only be ONE future.
3. God, being perfect, can never be wrong.

Given these three facts, isn't it safe to say that whatever we do, we're already destined by his knowledge, cos if he knows, for e.g., I would have wrote this blog post last year, then I definetely would have, for if I didn't, I would have defied his knowledge and that is just impossible.

UNLESS. given the theory that if God is of another dimension, He's not from this world (although when I was young I used to think that heaven was the gap between the universe and the sky, i don't know why. pretty stupid.), thus if He's not from this world, then the worldly elements, such as time, matter, space, might not be able to be related to Him, and the theory of God's foreknowledge determining our actions would be invalid.

So in short, we're either destined by his knowledge.
or we just can't compare.

also, there's God's law.
the ten commandments, love one another, love God, Spread the gospel (k, that's not really His law, but it was kinda like an order?).

and if i had wings i would fly,
cos' all that i need, You are.
and if the world caved in around me.
to You I'd still hold on.
Cos You're all that I believe.
You're the one that created me.
Jesus, because of You...
I'm Free!

when we say we're free in the Lord, we're talking about his salvation and we're like, delivered from evil. but we're not free, like to do what we want.

Even if you aren't christian, what about normal law?
With politics and advanced civilizations nowadays, law can be sniffed in your own home, your school backyard, every darn place has law!
if true freedom were abound, law would be gone.

of course, i'm not disproving of the law or anything, we can't have serial killers stabbing people on the street and luniac rapists going around terrorizing women, and then the whole world would fall into complete chaos.

i'm just saying, i don't think there's such a thing as true freedom, because of security in the world nowadays, and the will of God.
it's not an entirely bad thing, but i guess it has to be done for the sake of security.

---------

the holidays are real sian.
bloody sian.
crap.
it's so sian.

yesterday's sushi buffet was good though. (:

seclusion

you know, i think i don't have any true friends on earth.
and no, this is not an emo post, i'm not emo, i'm a thinker.
just plainly stating a fact of my life, in fact, I don't think anyone has true friends.

What are true friends anyway?
and you'd probably think of all those sweet little spam mails that attach a presentation with cute little doggy and cat pics hugging each other and nice little quotes regarding a 'true friend'.

well, no. i'd guess a true friend (why am i explaining this if there's probably no such thing?) would be someone who fully understands every aspect of your life. every single aspect.
but no one would be able to do that, except Jesus and God. we'll come to that later.

most of my church friends, well, i guess they're mostly playful and bubbly, those type that would like to have a lot of fun together.

school friends, well, i guess i can relate to them better because school is right now a major part of life, which means i'd see them everyday, and they can relate with many current issues.

But lately, I feel like I'm slowly drifting away from them. I believe it's due to my lack on intellect and my relative immaturity.

To prove my point, i'm disrespected by many and looked down upon, normally when i give advice, i'm either laughed at, ridiculed for my "morals", called 'slow', or generalised class-A 'prefect'. and i'm quite sickened by it.

i mean, when you 'bu shuang' with the person, you don't go and blame his affiliations do you? sure, the affiliations he joins would say a lot, and influence him a lot, but ultimately, wouldn't you say it boils down to the person? It's not like prefectiture is the nazis. Even in the nazis, would you say that every german soldier is an ass to the end?

we wouldn't be much better than those in the time of racism, would we?

well, i guess, hmm. i really don't know.
do we actually need true friends in life? (other than Jesus and God that is)

even sometimes, when you stop thinking about sunday school teachings, you wouldn't think that God and Jesus isn't exactly one that you could relate to on the same level, even though you always hear that "Jesus will be your best friend", "God is your best friend". You'd feel that God is on a superior level, and you can't really relate to Him when you're so low. And I know, you might quarrel back, "but He's God! He's omnipotent, and he will always be there for you."

you know what?
i totally agree with that statement.
but let's just say...
there would definetely be something different between a physical, human being as a friend, and God as a friend.

so then, maybe we really don't need true friends.
the phrase in itself is a paradox.

i'm not exactly sad to realise there would never be such a thing as a true friend, but i'm quite sure that many people have better friends than i do. i feel like i'm the rope in a tug of war between two elements of my life. i just feel, kind of depressed.

also very inferior.

meanwhile, i'll get myself lost in the dimensions of time and sound.

courage.

what is considered "true courage"?

our teacher asked today. hmm. i like pondering about things like that. it let's me think about new things and opens doors in minds. no seriously. you try. i came up with my own definition of courage, and it kinda makes you think different. slightly.

Courage is not doing something others asked you to do.
Courage is not taking up the job that most people would have never dared to take up.

I think courage is the victory of the inner battle.
True courage is overcoming one’s fear of an element and gaining the victory of the inner battle in the mind in order to achieve a greater success.

haha, what do you all think? try. quite fun.
or maybe y'all don't like thinking. that's ok.
anyway, if you wanna tell me what you thought, tagg!

haha, gotta shift to homework.

in the maroon night sky.
there lies a bridge.

lights out.

a small solemn touch.

the wood was cool, glossy. plastic-ky.
it felt like the glossy egg-sized flat glasses that kept the faces of the dead in good shape at the crematorium.

at first glance, the body inside the coffin gave a shot to the palms.
it looked like it was made of wax, and there was a pearl that was oddly placed between the lips.

i had never been to a wake before.

it had opened another door in my mind, and many challenges and questions popped into my head. as i was there at the coffin. at the altar. at the table. at the burning.

the burning. it was, quite simply put, fun, to watch.
but was it sinful? since we christians do not believe in such rituals.
i saw a fellow christian take a joss stick and kow-tow.
was it right, even if the intentions were just to pay respect?

how would we know where the line is?
when's not enough, when's too much.

i leave the red thread at the foot of the tree and get into the car.

the girl's art was good.

research looked coherent.
practice seemed enough.
and final composition was awesome.
bright colours, bombastic idea and brilliant perfection.

and now to think about it, the monks' chanting rhythm was quite catchy that i put it to my feet and hands.

back at home.

mum said lights out about an hour ago?
i'm typing, my bros are sleeping.

and i think i'm losing friends.
to someone who knew them through me.

maybe it's because i'm too boring for them?
too quiet?
not fun to talk to?

or maybe it's cos i wasn't with them for 2 weeks and more.

*sigh*.

what's there much to ponder about?
if they click with you and like you, they do.
if they don't, they don't.

then i guess those two don't.

haha. that's ok.

but is it really? or is that just for comfort?

it's dark outside, but my table lamp's on.
and it seems the only bed left is the one in the hottest part of the room.

time for lights out.

temptation.

5.52pm. Friday. 27/4. Year 2007.

Just about 11 more days till' mid-years.

well, things have settled down now. i still remember the 10 lines of 'screwed' i typed in as a prediction for our Chamber Orchestra's SYF.

and we got Gold with Honours!

haha, sighh...

everytime in school, got motivation to study.
come back from school, get tempted to play.
wth.

my life's a mess.
you've got the S on one side.
and the TC on the other.

awkward.
real awkward.

some philosophy!

Does God give us, humans, a choice in what we do?
God is omnipotent. He's the past, present, future. He can do anything. He is the almighty one.

He knows everything.
and then you come to a standstill.

wait a second, does that mean God controls our choices?
He knows the past, present and future.
If he knows our future, then would we be able to say we can choose our actions, or anything at all?

"He knows our future, but we still make the choices!"

ahh. right. but that means we didn't have the freedom to make our choices. There can only be one future, and that future is made up by every single touch of effect right now.
if the future is known, our choices are inevitable. God can't be wrong.

Looking at the bible, just think about it.
Many things about Jesus were foretold in the old testament.

Obviously, the future was known then.

But what about Judas...
- Betrayer of Christ

But if he didn't betray Christ, Christ wouldn't have died on the cross for our sins.
And it was foretold, that Judas would betray Jesus!

So...it was inevitable that Judas did that horrible crime. Did Judas go to hell for causing the cruxifixion of Christ Our Lord? Wasn't it his duty to do so? Wasn't it all planned?

Saying...
that everything we do, is already inevitable.

Look at me writing this blog. I can choose not to post it. Thus, in the future, it will never be seen by more than 2 pairs of eyes. God's and mine. Yet, can I choose?
If God knows my every action, that means I'm bound to only one move.
I can't choose, cos my future is already sealed with his knowledge.

Is that what it's like for us? God controls our every move, and to think about it, in the end, we go to hell or heaven based on fate?

Which means...God must already know where we're going when we die. And God can't be wrong. So does that mean whenever someone does something, it's not his fault, cos God knew it was going to happen?

We can't control anything...
everything's already pre-planned for us...

i need answers. help.

Ok, its a little long...

Heya guys...

Yeah, yesterday I was practising my violin (to be honest I don't practise a lot :-P) and at 9.30pm I realised I was missing my Vol. 4 book. And I was turning my whole house down in search of it.

Today - Watched some tv, looked for book, didn't find it. Picket fences was what I watched. Sadly, I don't have cable. And ate lunch, it was porridge unfortunately.

It seems that everything is becoming an issue of bad luck. I looked everywhere for the book and I still can't find it. It's either in the bookshelf, or got transported with the air purifier away to dunno where. Damn book, I took it out on Sunday night and I'm sure I either put it back or on my table. Now it's run off to the land of no dimension.

My sister finished her O lvl's (issit lvls or lvl's?) today. Whoop, clap cheer. She's gonna celebrate with not a care in the world. I dont think anyone in my family has to do 4 chinese journal records and read a chinese book (which comes with a whole bunch of questions) during this supposed-to-be-splendid holiday. Ooh, suprise suprise, its only CHINESE homework. AND I still have to practise math! D-A-M-N. What's with the holidays?

Hmm, it makes me feel guilty not being so on about violin. Should I carry on? Or not?

Ok, here's the daily think thought...

Oh yeah, about things where you have questions and don't know what to do. I get frustrated for a while, than I remember God. And you see, the way I ask God stuff, no, let me rephrase. The way God answers my questions...sometimes, is truly amazing.

E.g. (and this is true, about a month ago?) Ok, I was having a lotta trouble deciding whether to take up drums for my school SYF that's coming up next year. So I was listing all the pros and cons in my head, and yet, I still couldn't decided with my own strength. Then I realised I hadn't asked God. So I lay on my bed and said, "God, what should I do?" So I heard this voice (in my head) telling me to just go for it and not for hockey to try and realise my real potential. Or something like that. And after that, I felt totally at ease. Like the rock was lifted off my heart. It was just a great experience. So I went for drums.

So now, since then, I ask God a lot. Like when I used my sister's nailclipper and she claimed I didn't return it. I looked for it a lot and a lot, to no avail. So I prayed and God said, "Remember what Martin(classmate) said? Lost things normally turn up." So I decided to go bathe and wash up. It was dumb, spending about an hour looking for something that I couldn't find. I lay in my bed about 10 mins, and my sister came in, "Ehehe, Ryan, I found it, sorry." And yeah, it was under her pencil case where I returned it (well, the case wasn't there at first but, yeah. )

So see? God does speak. But the main point I want to put today is that I am confused. Because sometimes I hear so many voices I don't know which one God is. Or if God is one of them at all. I want to finish off with something my uncle luke said.

"So many voices in my head. God, which one's you?"

-Luke Wee