the push.

long time no blog. heh, sorry.

y' know what.

i feel like i'm being spiritually pushed.

my spiritual aspect of life has to take a huge leap.
i can't just walk casually by God's side anymore. well, at times i can of course.
but generally, i feel like i have to run by his side.
and my feet are on fire. setting the path on fire as we run.

i can't reveal the main reason why i feel i'm being pushed.
but there are other small things here and there.

primary school - go church, worship, haha, i still remember i was so upset i couldn't cry when I saw a sunday school teacher cry during worship, so i thought of my dog being taken away from me to make myself cry. haha! so stupid right. but no, no personal feeling from God. maybe only during sunday worship when i was p6?

secondary 1 - go church, realised the importance of qt. occasionally did qt. wasn't very hungry for God. felt Him sometimes during worship.

secondary 2 - go church, did qt more often. joined the vocalist ministry. started to know God more personally. Walked with Him more. Was touched more often.

and at the end of sec 2, one line made me feel that i had to really push for it next year.

another thing is the calling.

if you don't know yet, i'm going for the chiang mai mission trip.

yeah, on the last night of tng service at chapel in plmc, i was on roster for vocalists along with dwight led by lizzie. pam, our group leader, couldn't make it.
then as i was singing during the service itself. there was one song we didn't have to sing into the mike, where lizzie solo-ed, called Hungry.

so yeah, during that song, God tugged at my heart thrice to kneel, as He was telling me something.

He gave me a vision, of me travelling out of Singapore, to different countries, reaching out to children and young adults (i don't think i saw old ones). whether it was in worship or spreading the gospel.

and somehow i remember vividly a scene where i was praying with a lot of passion over one youthful lady, who was wearing dark green in the vision, i recall. i think she was crying. i don't know why i remember that scene so well. maybe it might happen?

so the first two times i was scared to kneel on stage.
but by the third tug, i knelt down.

although i didn't receive my vision then, i received it all before i knelt.
i think God wanted me to kneel to as a signal for me to surrender everything I had and could have to Him, a huge sacrifice if you become a missionary. as Clement said, I would have to lay aside the riches of the world.

so is God calling me to be a full-time missionary?
i also felt a calling to go for this mission trip.

maybe He is, but I feel like I need further affirmation.

i mean, then why did He put me in such a high scholarship as IB if His plan is for me to be a missionary? this was the main question that popped in my head.

questions, questions, give me an affirmation.