distance

distance
like repercussions, sliding in suspicious
waves of uncertainty.

you grasp
for something of a breath,
heavy with dejection.

crayons in neon
outline the faces, not one, not two
you draw them blank.

deluded, insanity.
the beholder confused and confuses.
falling, screaming silently.










"well, i need a break don't i?"


-ryan.

self-reminder.

ihs - research on scotland. consult shaun first.
history - do the essay for crying out loud.
chem. - where is my prac?!?! find it!
a math - a whole lot of catching up to do.
c math - the alpha beta thing.
chinese - yeah, done.
larts - coursework, due very soon, week 5!


life could be simpler.
but the jazz is, it's not.

intolerance.

normally i would think i'm quite tolerant.
people have told me that too.

of course, there are still many things that annoy me.

one now that somehow demands me to blog it.

IT ANNOYS ME DEEPLY.
that he puts on such a sweet voice and possible facade with friends.
then with us he's so rude and annoying and obnoxious.
and i think i'm the ONLY one who sees this.

it just feels like injustice.
this is one recurring theme that I find appears in my "list of intolerances".
i think i can't stand injustice.
it just, really really irritates me.

why can't he just be who he is and not act all different and sweetly glazed in front of friends?
then seek attention. what a hypocrite, as he says someone else seeks attention.

maybe i'm wrong.
maybe i'm only looking at the surface,
and there's something more to this i can't see.
something which explains it all.

i really hope that's the case, and that he's only like this for some underlying truth i can't see.
i'll try not to brood over this.
focus on the good.
yes yes, calmness.


still i praise you, Father.

break free

it spins.
absolute fragrance.
then it spits you to the ground.
nausea.
tearing you apart in beauty.
surfeit in indulgence.
wrapping softly, gently.
the confluence of soft and hard.
exploding inside.
shaking, grasping.
metal slams, you pick yourself up.
nowhere, no way, no place.
a void desert.
conscious, virtually sensing.
snap.
sleeping. vine of numbers.
taunting, treacherous.
screams. smiles. silhouettes.
bright snow. burns.
for something which lacks.
enveloping. hide in black.
sleep now. fading.
slowly. evolving.
yet depressing gently.
go to sleep now.
shhhh.
you're not there.
you're not there.


you're nowhere.

-ryan

rocking chair

"gong gong!"

haha, he used to come on Saturdays or Sundays.
and we'd just do the usual greetings.
hardly talk to him.

"gong gong, you like the lunch?"
"orh, orh..."

i remember the gentle voice.

then he would slowly semi-limp to the landing chair, and put on his shoes.
then we shout "bye, gong gong!"

sometimes, i'd come back from bb and see him, as usual in the rocking chair.
right beside my dad, discussing his recent purchase of jewel rings.
and hearing my dad rant about what people do in Lorong Lew Lian.

i always didn't see much of him when i came back from bb.

he gave me a fine watch once. Oxford.
i, not being the watch type, never used it.

A few days ago, I took out that box, blew off the dust, and revealed the watch inside.
It had stopped working.
Just like how gong gong's heart had, on 15th May, 5:01pm.

I set the time on that watch to 5:01pm.
Its hands never move again.


it's strange how a man can just be reduced from a physical entity, to just a pile of broken bones and ash in an urn.


it's strange how you have reccuring memories of a person, when you realise you won't have any more.


it's strange, how, even with few words, we felt so close to our grandfather.


it's strange how we used to take Sundays as normal days where we'd see the same quiet man

come and go,
come and go,
come and go...






and never come again.













all too suddenly.













and sometimes, i still miss him.

the word - "investigate"

"investigate".

what does it mean, and how was this word derived?
we all know how english is a compilation of many tongues.

so yes. let's investigate.

the word can be split up into "invest", "i" and "gate".

what does "invest" mean?

By dictionary.com, it means - "to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something."

"i", obviously refers to the singular subject, addressing to one's self.

"gate" -
"a movable barrier, usually on hinges, closing an opening in a fence, wall, or other enclosure".

So, the word "gate" could be a symbol, as to how while "investigating" something, the way seems blocked, but if we have the KEY.

the way is open and clear!

the KEY is in cracking the mystery!!

"i".

investigating starts with one's self.

who am i?
what is my purpose?
am i an entity?
am i good?
am i bad?
what's the meaning of life?
why must i do this?
what's it's significance?
how bout strawberry cream?
are bananas evil?
did i spell banana correctly?
if i didn't who would care?
if they DID care, why would I care?


investigate.



it will do you good.



so.

we, meaning ourselves (i) have to devote time and talent, to harness our ability in giving (invest), so that we can see how we just might obtain the KEY in opening the gate of mystery and spring out of the box of delusion.




i did this in school. during iso.
cos it's free time as exams are over.



yay.


marcus teo has lost respect for me.


RYAN THE OWNAGE.

insufficiency.

"you're so overstretched that you don't even have enough time for your...friends."

just a note - the above quote wasn't said in that frustrated, pissed off kinda tone, but in a sincere, wanna-help kinda tone.

but yeah, this recent conversation with a pretty close friend sorta affirms what i felt quite a while back, though i pushed those thoughts away.

Recap

though i've never blogged about this, never too late to catch up.

during an amath lesson a while back, i felt pretty depressed because i was like, sitting there, and i felt like whatever f(x) or -> thingy my teacher was scribbling on the board would make utterly no sense or not even help a single bit in the future.

which somehow led to how much time i'm wasting in lessons like these.

and my brain drifted off somewhere and made me suddenly think about my social life.
which is when i suddenly realised.

that my social life was constantly hindered and in a deep low because of educational systems.
and i thought about how so many a time i've never been able to help other good friends when they're feeling super bad;

let alone go out and have at least a simple chat or walk with them to catch up.

to the extent, that 95% of the times i log in on MSN, i'm always appearing offline.

"i used to ask you out but i don't now, because you're always so busy..."

slowly, this situation will get from bad to worse.

and can you imagine as the next few years progress?
in IB, yeah sure, you can say they're all struggling with me, so no one has a social life then.

but my really good friends are mostly in church.

i mean, really, it sucks to hear how slowly someone will draw away from you, because i just can't commit the same amount of time to him/her.

am i really too overstretched?

- bb = ltc exco (this is coming off soon)
- prefects = Internal affairs comm. (not in exco, thank God)
- chamber (this is practically nothing, there's no percussion this year).
- om (i'm just supporting, can only do so till' june, would end soon)
- vocal ministry = SL (this is a bit taxing, but important)
- 9th subject = Art (this is my passion)

ok, so currently i've got practically 5.
om will end soon, bb will lighten up when ltc finishes.
so that's like 3 1/2.

prefects? not gonna join council (quite a few reasons). but i don't think i'll quit.
9 subjects... should i drop amath?

i'm taking amath only because...
- people say it's important.
- it's supposed to help me with SL math in yr 5/6.
- then, i can concentrate on stuff like art!


sighh...
i know what.
i will MAKE time.

after mugging, things should be a lot smoother.
and... i'll be more pro-active in socialising.

yep yep.

alrightoes, feel a lil' better now...

off to math!

zinc carbonate is good for health,
ryan