Wednesday, February 25, 2015


As Caruth (1996) puts it, 

trauma is 
The quality of traumatic experience is that of 
‘‘a breach in the mind’s experience of 
time, self and the world’’ 

The experience of rupture 
is felt in the failure of the mind’s capacity to 


Friday, January 9, 2015

hemmed in

If I haven't found the fulfillment that is supposed to come with 
following and 
believing and 
investing in this faith,

what can I draw but 
either that I am approaching this the wrong way
that the constructs of man are teaching this the wrong way
or that God doesn't exist the way we think He does.

"Be thou my vision"
You used to be
but I don't know what I see anymore. 

And I don't want to be lukewarm
I don't want to be a Sunday Christian
I want to be all in or all out

But I've been in limbo for way too long.

If I do go all out
then what do I commit my existence to? 
Another faith? Humanism? A simple life?
Definitely not devotion to art right?

I guess therefore I stay 
not so much as a positive conviction that this faith fulfills
but because I have found no other path that appears worthy enough 
to promise something better.

And it's a pathetic place to stay in, 

but there seems to be no other place to go.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

to choose again

2014 has been an unexpected year.

I guess to an extent I didn't really know what I should've expected this year - given that post-ORD seemed brimming with opportunities, and the anticipation of the beginning of my college experience halfway across the world.

More and more I'm starting to believe that the person I used to be, or the person I tried to strive to be, was someone who believed that at any given point in time, I had to make the most logical, sound, rational, mature - in other words, the best decision I possibly could.

When I think of how events unfolded this year, I can't help but wonder if sometimes, you should just go by feeling. When would someone ever know that your soundness of mind would ever be enough?

I wonder - if I had predicted the fallibility of any decision in my life, would that change things? Should that change things? Is it too self-indulgent to say something is worth regret if you judge that you don't come out of it a better person? Is it too convenient to say nothing is worth regret because every experience you've ever encountered shaped you to be the person you are today?

I think all my life I have been nurtured within privileged circumstances. Even when I was not seemingly given the upper hand, or inclined towards a certain thing, I would be able to replace talent with diligence. What I had easy, I tried to be grateful for, and what I didn't, I believed that with enough time and effort, could be obtained. Like drums, or art, or driving. And many other endeavours where I felt more handicapped than the average individual.

People tell me that because it's not my fault, it's okay. But it's that very lack of control that makes it so uncomfortable. That I'm just the victim of circumstances, and I can't do anything about it. Helpless, with no control over the pain.

2014 was a year where I was anticipating the new and unexpected, but definitely not to such a degree. It's pathetic, because it feels like the first half of the year was primarily filled with memories of the sustaining of something precious, and the second half was filled with the attempt to clear the rubble away. Building only to tear down.

I am changed - I feel as if I've lost a part of myself, though I'm not entirely sure what it is. If I could place a finger on what it was roughly, it would fall along the lines of self-sufficiency. I'm certain that I've never felt true loneliness up to this point in my life.

I know I say this a lot, but I feel a lot older than I should be. In terms of fatigue, jaded-ness, disillusionment. I've lost a certain spark. I'm unsure of this world and its constructs. And I'm not sure what fulfills me anymore. I fear to call this depression but sometimes can't help but wonder if this is verging on it.

I'm not myself these days. I'm cranky, lose my patience easily, get annoyed easily, have a short fuse, easily get into depressive, melancholic moments. But I trust I won't be this way forever. I'm not going to force it out. I'm going to let time tide it out. And we'll see how it goes.

The sky is overcast. Time is 4:39am; I'm wearing a tanktop and shorts, taking a walk around my field. It is drizzling.

I am trying to think of a few things I've learnt this year.

I think I have learnt that it is important to accept when it is not in your control - when something can't be worked for. That you have to accept things you can't fully understand, be it on logical or emotional terms. Your mind might accept things a lot faster than your heart. And sometimes, that's okay.

 This feels a lot easier to say, than to internalize.

And because of this, I will continue working hard for the things that are within my control.

I will hold on dearly to those whom deem me worthy, and strive to love them fiercely. Because above anything, love is a choice.

I will keep loving. I have to.

Here's to 2015.

Thursday, December 25, 2014


here I am
meeting everyone
old and familiar
warm and dear
but I've never felt more


Monday, December 22, 2014


We were sitting
in a hangar of some sorts

comfortably and uncomfortably
far away from each other

You asked if we could now go to class together

as if to relive some byegone, high-school days

I stared at you in disbelief

"Are you really so unaware of the gravity of this?"

You stare back blankly.

Then you turned away, looked down, sighed and said,
"I've tried to be as respectful as I could in the end of all this."

There has nothing that has been more inconsiderate of me as a human.

Beth / Rest

Errant heat to the star
And the rain let in
The hawser rolls, the vessel’s whole and Christ, it’s thin

Well Iʼd know that you’d offer
Would reveal it, though it’s soft and flat
Won’t repeat it, cull and coffer’s that
For the soffit, hang this homeward
Pry it open with your love
Sending lost and alone standing offers

It is steep / it is stone
Such recovery
From the daily press, the deepest nest, in keeper’s keep

All the news at the door
Such a revelry
Well, it’s hocked inside of everything you said to me

It was found what we orphaned
Didn’t mention it would serve us picked
Said your love is known
I’m standing up on it

Aren’t we married?
I ainʼt living in the dark no more
It’s not a promise, Iʼm just gonna call it

Heavy mitted love

Our love is a star
Sure some hazardry
For the light before and after most indefinitely

Danger has been stole away

This is axiom

- Bon Iver

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Climb out

Out to where you see
The curl of the world

You were the boat that bridged
In the tale of Conrad
We will never be the change
To the weather and the sea and you knew that

You were the boat that bridged
In the tale of Conrad
Oh I loved you with the good
And the careless of me
But it all goes back