2014 has been an unexpected year.
I guess to an extent I didn't really know what I should've expected this year - given that post-ORD seemed brimming with opportunities, and the anticipation of the beginning of my college experience halfway across the world.
More and more I'm starting to believe that the person I used to be, or the person I tried to strive to be, was someone who believed that at any given point in time, I had to make the most logical, sound, rational, mature - in other words, the best decision I possibly could.
When I think of how events unfolded this year, I can't help but wonder if sometimes, you should just go by feeling. When would someone ever know that your soundness of mind would ever be enough?
I wonder - if I had predicted the fallibility of any decision in my life, would that change things? Should that change things? Is it too self-indulgent to say something is worth regret if you judge that you don't come out of it a better person? Is it too convenient to say nothing is worth regret because every experience you've ever encountered shaped you to be the person you are today?
I think all my life I have been nurtured within privileged circumstances. Even when I was not seemingly given the upper hand, or inclined towards a certain thing, I would be able to replace talent with diligence. What I had easy, I tried to be grateful for, and what I didn't, I believed that with enough time and effort, could be obtained. Like drums, or art, or driving. And many other endeavours where I felt more handicapped than the average individual.
People tell me that because it's not my fault, it's okay. But it's that very lack of control that makes it so uncomfortable. That I'm just the victim of circumstances, and I can't do anything about it. Helpless, with no control over the pain.
2014 was a year where I was anticipating the new and unexpected, but definitely not to such a degree. It's pathetic, because it feels like the first half of the year was primarily filled with memories of the sustaining of something precious, and the second half was filled with the attempt to clear the rubble away. Building only to tear down.
I am changed - I feel as if I've lost a part of myself, though I'm not entirely sure what it is. If I could place a finger on what it was roughly, it would fall along the lines of self-sufficiency. I'm certain that I've never felt true loneliness up to this point in my life.
I know I say this a lot, but I feel a lot older than I should be. In terms of fatigue, jaded-ness, disillusionment. I've lost a certain spark. I'm unsure of this world and its constructs. And I'm not sure what fulfills me anymore. I fear to call this depression but sometimes can't help but wonder if this is verging on it.
I'm not myself these days. I'm cranky, lose my patience easily, get annoyed easily, have a short fuse, easily get into depressive, melancholic moments. But I trust I won't be this way forever. I'm not going to force it out. I'm going to let time tide it out. And we'll see how it goes.
The sky is overcast. Time is 4:39am; I'm wearing a tanktop and shorts, taking a walk around my field. It is drizzling.
I am trying to think of a few things I've learnt this year.
I think I have learnt that it is important to accept when it is not in your control - when something can't be worked for. That you have to accept things you can't fully understand, be it on logical or emotional terms. Your mind might accept things a lot faster than your heart. And sometimes, that's okay.
This feels a lot easier to say, than to internalize.
And because of this, I will continue working hard for the things that are within my control.
I will hold on dearly to those whom deem me worthy, and strive to love them fiercely. Because above anything, love is a choice.
I will keep loving. I have to.
Here's to 2015.
