recent events

wow. the holidays are really zooming by.

some recent events.

jon choy's birthday (haha, k, maybe not so recent)

this was really funny.
as in not the party itself, but the nature of how i actually managed to be there.
see, cos i was actually supposed to be in a camp.
and i thought there was no hope, cos once in the camp i thought i was gonna miss choy's birthday for sure.

then i somehow just asked my teacher if i could be excused.
then he contemplated and said yes, but gave a curfew (so i was excused for a few hours).
i was delighted.
ten minutes later i was crying.
because due to the rain, my teacher changed his mind, and i got all my hopes up for nothing, and i was sad lah.
NO i didn't cry in front of everyone.
but i was just darn sad cos it's like, eh, my cell leader's 21st bday man.

and then after i wiped up my tears and joined the rest, my teacher came up behind me and said - "if you can get someone to fetch you, then i'll let you go. if not, forget it lah, huh?"
so i decided to call my mum just in case she was nearby.
she was at home, but offered to take me!!!
Praise God for mummy.

and 40 mins later, i'm at choy's hse, in singlet, cap and slippers :P
cool right.


nong!!

nong came back!!!
we had dinner and a stayover.
nong left back to usa.


family trip (wow i nearly forgot this)

we went to malaysia, port dickson!! :D
it was fun, my first attempt at fishing and neaarrlly caught a crab.
we went go-karting, archery, paintball, jalan-jalan, pool (ball), pool (swim), all sorts of fun stuff. not so much like tourists, but just for fun.

good time of family bonding. (:


sharity gift box (Founder's Men Assessment)

we had 3 consecutive, full, days, of doing quite tiring stuff.

first day i did warehousing and pick-up.
fortunately, last two days we went to man the box at orchard rd, outside taka.
thank martin for his ideas and ways. haha.
it was darn weird lah, people do weird stuff to pass time, which i wanted to go into details but then decided not to. sorry! ;)


THE REAL CAMP.

woohoo, this was really good. no pun.
God gave me revelation, and started doing different things in my life.
God is so good man.
and it also gave me a chance to see how our cluster is growing, and how TNG is growing.
when God told me "TNG is growing", i felt so good. (:

TNG, you're growing man.


official cell gathering

thaddeus, go away. stupid nutcracker.
haha, kidding lah, i don't bear any thing against you. (:

yep, we had an official cell bbq to end of the year.
marcus burnt my arm with a chicken wing. A CHICKEN WING!
thinking about it, i now find the humour stronger than the pain.
i don't think anyone's been burnt by a chicken wing before.
if you have, please tag, i would like to know. :D

and yeah, we had cell sharing and reflection.
the cell was getting everything ironed out, everyone was confessing their wrongs, and dislikes for other cell members in the past, or generally.
and everyone just gracefully accepted the feedback.

jon choy shared about how we had to be in the "pressure-cookers" (like said, at the rhema seminar) because our generation has to rise up fast and grow into leaders, cos' these are the end times. and how he's very encouraged to see our cell growing. (:

sara said she'll always be there, and that we can go to her for girl problems, HAHA. =P

our cell is good man, i love my cell. cool people.
random, whacky and cool.
we're gonna grow. (:


faa

formally known as "Founder's Award Assessment".
we were tested on adventure, first aid, drill, uniform, general knowledge.
scary. had to mug eh.
some-more had cell gathering the previous night.

but it wasn't as bad as i expected.
things went well.
didn't get sent home for uniform. =P

yep. feel liberated now! hahaha.



alright, that's an update.
i'm off to write cards for post-camp people.

...strange, if i recall, this post's tone and language wasn't really like my normal one.
maybe i use more singlish when i'm happier and i talk about shallow-er stuff. =P






i got wild, loose, inside my head.

to the cross.

recently, i had been feeling kinda bad, off and on, because i felt like a few of my friendships were straining...or the people involved were drifting apart.

and like... other family stuff.

but when i look to the cross,
and realise how Jesus was so rejected as well,
and people didn't appreciate Him for who He was,
although He was the Ultimate...

then i just feel comforted knowing that even if my friends don't fully appreciate me as much as i'd like them too, at least God appreciates me, and that's the best relationship. (:

and still, God works,
cos He showed me how my friend did appreciate me more than i thought. (:


so if any of you feel down because you feel under-appreciated, or feel like you're relationships are straining...
remember Jesus, and God's love, and lift all up to Him. (:

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also, i realised how to confirm.
once again, if Christ and God is the focus.
i learn how to differentiate.
and i learn how to know.

and now i know, that i truly don't.
thanks to cremon (:
for reminding me that if it IS, it has to be GOD-CALLED.
and one has to control his emotions, at all costs.

because emotions are of the flesh.
but you want IT to be of God.
and i know that this liking, wasn't called by God.
so i fee liberated.

------------------------------------------

oh and service today was AWESOME.
you could feel God and the Holy Spirit just manifesting in the hall.
and i felt like God was watching pastor reuben just preach, and God was immensely proud.

worship was...convicting for me.
it made me realise i shouldn't be doing some things that i was doing.
not to distract my eyes with evil.
but to focus on the Spirit, on God, and on the cross.





to the cross we look.

speechless.

connecTiNG camp.
the P6 Orientation Camp for PLMC, organised by the sec 3s, bridging the gap between SilverBoxes (children's service) and The Next Generation (youth service).
it's really been the highlight of these holidays so far.

well, camp comm. had to write reflections to be published in HeartBeat, so i submitted this, which pretty much sums up the camp...on a more formal tone.

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Thinking about the P6 Orientation Camp, “ConnecTiNG”, really leaves me quite speechless, as there are just too many things to say.

We started planning this camp in August, and after all plans were finalized, the camp was executed from 7-9 November. For me, it felt like the camp was actually running for 3 months, because the whole process was just so amazing, and the people I was working with were awesome.

Even as I write this, I miss the camp, as there seems to be an emptiness somewhere, but I’m comforted in the fact that ConnecTiNG will live on, and that next year there will be new leaders to bring the new juniors in. (:

Well, there are two things that I would really like to say.

At the beginning of the camp, I for one, was extremely worried that the P6s would not have opened up. They all came with faces of stone, and through the first few icebreakers were withdrawn and unenthusiastic.

However, as the camp progressed through, and the games and group activities went on, their faces were loosened, and smiles appeared, until at the end of all, many even gave feedback that the camp was too short! I believe this camp has really started the journey for the P6s together as a cluster, and sown the seeds of bonding in their hearts. I’m thankful that this camp served as an effective bridge to an otherwise abrupt change from SilverBoxes to TNG, as now the P6s know quite a handful of their TNG seniors, and they’ve experienced the love that has been given to us through TNG, by God. (:

But one thing I did not expect, was to bond as a Sec 3 cluster so much more than I’ve probably ever done. This camp allowed me to know more of my cluster, and gave me the chance to interact more with them. Our cluster is really huge, but through this camp, I’ve talked to people I haven’t really talked to before, and strengthened existing relationships. This was really quite a pleasant surprise, because I only ever imagined bonding the P6s!

I feel so thankful to God and for God in this camp. He’s been so many things, and done so much for us! As we put our faith in Him, so did He stay faithful. He’s not only helped us bond the P6s, but he added in a spice and we were bonded in the process! It’s just…so amazing. From this camp, I realise this –

If we lift everything up to God, He’ll help you through it all, and even give more than you expected. (:


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okay.

now for stuff on a more casual tone, and that you wouldn't publish in a official magazine.

the camp was awesome!
i really didn't expect to miss it so much, it was only after everything that i realised how much it meant to me, and how much it did.

i'm gonna remember everyone in camp comm for something.

david - for your perseverance and patience, and still taking up worship. you own man.
heather - for your ariel-galore.
izabel - for being the first person to call me obnoxious. (heh, though i'm sure many others still at least think it).
hanya - for your moisturised bruise, and crazy endurance in handling games.
thaddeus - THAADEEUUS!!! *heather and hanya sighs*. HAHAHAHAH.
evan - for your parkour, and your mad skillz and SANDFLY!!! WOO! oh and the hugs!
bunny - for your peserverance in insisting that i didn't tell you i changed my founder's award dates! i did loh! everyone remembered!
joann - *tilts head and smiles cheekily, without exposing teeth*. (:

eh but y'all darn bad ah, both nights must go leave me out of your fun ):

1st night - go macs without me.
2nd night - not only did y'all have 2 hrs of fun while i was asleep, y'all MADE me sleep to WRAP ME UP. and it didn't even work!!! no fun lah.

sigh, i miss you camp comm.
at least we've already had one post-camp outing! (:
but i'm not sure how long we'll last as a camp comm...
but by God's grace, if some mystical bond does keep us together, that'd be great. (:

this camp was really amazing. i'm glad we managed to help the P6s feel comforted as they enter TNG, knowing that we're there, and that the love and fun they experienced at camp can be expected in TNG. (:

thanks, all of you guys, game leaders, group leaders.
yall were done good in your effectiveness, efficiency, and energy-feeding. (:


thank You God. (:
this was a good camp indeed.

"these kind of people i'll remember..."

I don't know what to call this post. really.

sorry, i just need to collect my thoughts.

yeah, last night and this morning i was kinda frustrated.
cos i need to lead cell this Sunday, but i'm put down for worship.
and when i'm down for worship, i can't go cell.

so i only realised that the events clashed like a day after the second person informed me.
(i can't remember whether liz informed me about worship or choy informed me about cell first, they both informed me at start of the week, but i think choy did...not important now.)

and then, well, isn't it amazing how such a hoohaa is churned up just by two events clashing?
it seems so weird that, it could all be avoided if the timings were just a few hours different.

haha, to use an analogy, i think it's like ships.
if you have two ships who collided on sea, then there would normally be mass destruction, loss of lives, broken families.
but to think, if there were at least a few degrees different of turning the ship,
just a few degrees.
all that wouldn't have happened.

of course, in my case, the situation couldn't really be controlled.
i was annoyed, sad, frustrated, cos i wanted to sing, but also wanted to lead cell, though not as strong, but still did.

it was like, personal v.s. responsibility obligation.

i guess i wanted to sing cos it would've been my last time serving on the old roster, before newbies come in. would've been quite cool to sing one last time on the old roster. was also singing with heather, and we haven't sang much together before, cos somehow either of us always can't make it. haha, but we're good friends.

and i wanted to lead cell...cos of responsibility obligation. david couldn't make it, he had to prepare for O's, choy and sara also couldn't. anyway, choy probably told me before liz, so it's only right for me to do cell i guess.

this morning, i tried finding replacements. after asking a few boys (too many girls singing, so we needed boys, since i was out), i realised that 3 had O's, two were singing the next week, and dwight had his painful wisdom tooth. liz then told me that it was ok, i couldn't find a replacement. anyway we couldn't ask the new vocalists.

more complications, talked to heather, talked to choy, talked to liz.

after confirming that I couldn't do BOTH worship and cell,
and that david and sara really couldn't lead,

by 3:05pm friday, i concluded that i'm gonna do cell,
and i'll still be going for worship prac tonight, so it's not all so bad.
and anyway this is the best decision.
cos my want to do worship was probably more personal random want to do worship, rather than spiritual.


so yeah, i get to lead cell,
and at least attend worship in some sorta way(:



if you're still reading this post, you're quite champion.
this post is probably the most boring ever.
i don't think i've ever blogged so much about schedule.

...
have i?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

at worship prac, i realised a few things.

i hate these kind of situations because i'll have to choose one, and not do the other, resulting in the lack in at least one side-the side i don't choose.

although i felt comforted in the afternoon, i felt different at worship prac,
cos i realised by not singing there would be no male in the vocals
(i had seen this earlier, but didn't impact me so much yet).

and i realised i didn't just wanna sing cos of heather,
but because i really just enjoy serving in worship ministry,
and just singing, and having fellowship with my worship team.

but i also realised that, unlike cell, worship still had vocals and lyrics without me.
if i went for worship, there would be no cell at all.

so...yeah.
sigh, bb tmr.
i like bb, but i dunno.
sometimes i don't like certain aspects.




look!
a bear!

ANNOYING.

ok i can't stand it, i need to rant about this thing that i am just urged to rant about.

so what's the point, of forcing you to do a heritage badge project, if they want you to APPRECIATE the heritage of Singapore.
i'm not insulting Singapore's heritage. In fact, Singapore is probably one of the places with such a diverse and rich heritage.

However, do they have to make this project compulsory?
I mean, it's not so bad to write a 500-word essay on it, that's still tolerable, cos' you admit that you'll learn something from that.

but making you take 2 photos of the monument with your face in the pic?
i mean, so what, they want proof that you actually WENT to this monument.
brilliant. and then?
most people, will just go there, take the photo, and go back home.
trust me, i asked.
how in the world does THAT help you appreciate!?
i mean ok lah, if you really are so interested that after photo-taking you go into the monument and snoop around learning to appreciate, then that's ok.
but isn't it obvious that the photo-taking won't PROVE that you've appreciated the monument, not in the least bit?
to those uninterested, d'you really think it'll make a difference?

that's why i really can't stand it when they make these projects compulsory.
you think making these people go smile in front of a building and converting it into pixels for one occasion really suddenly opens their mind to the appreciation of heritage?
No! you can't force these things like that!

i understand you have good intentions, but please, don't make it compulsory.
it just doesn't make good sense.



anyway, i refuse to go take that photo.

adaptation.

do i adapt too much?

i tend to adapt to different people, mostly in the ways of speech.
like i will have different tones of voice, or different ways of speaking. different choices of words.

there's still a general code to how i speak, like without vulgarities, and no like heavy cheem or weird sincere "i lurbhhsxzxz euuzzx worhkszx" kinda language.
(haha, well sometimes i do use the latter for fun)

but do i adapt too much?

until people get different impressions of me, and i create false images of myself that i do not want to create?

what if YOU reading this right now, think i'm something which i'm not.

haha, maybe i'm thinking too much.
this evening i've been hearing/saying (in virtual terms) a lot.



i think i even adapt to my blog.
i might not seem the same in reality.





ohoho.
isn't it intriguing.

dum dee dum.

YEAH HOO.

ONE MORE PAPER TO GO.

i feel weird...

sigh, thank God for the ending of the papers.

hopefully i won't fail any, cos that would result in concamp!

but i heard God say He'll let me go for the P6 camp (which clashes with concamp), so let's have faith in that! (:

i am actually kinda bored now.

whee. ok i go on msn see what i can do.

7¬14

7 done, 7 more.
woohoo. half-way through.

and only...6....out of 7 are study-able.fine.
i somehow thought there were less.


by the way.
one day while cleansing and refreshing myself, i had a realisation-

the flaw with showers is that, at any one time, not all your body surface area is exposed to water (why? because you can't have a constant film of water over your body the WHOLE time), meaning that some surface areas are exposed to water more than others. Not very cool eh?

while with bathtubs, your whole body surface area is exposed to water all the time, ta-dah! excellent eh? however, sadly and disgustingly, we rise out of the same dirty water, meaning our body would have some of that gross residue still.

THEREFORE, i propose, purely in terms of hygiene and effectiveness,

A bathtub with a constant flow of water, meaning there's an initial amount of water placed in it, and then as one bathes, a flow of water is executed.

Get the idea?

....of course.
this would be highly expensive.
and very un-eco-friendly.
therefore my friend, do this only if you have a solution on how to save all this water in the end.


cheerio.



half-half.

they approach...

here come the huge exams.

isn't it tragic.

as weird as it might seem, i felt like God's not going to let me go con-camp, so let's have faith in that. (:

also, many nice social thingies have been going on...or have they?
well, somehow, maybe nice and not so nice.
bittersweet.

it's been one week...but it's starting to waver.
veerryyy slightly.


but today's a good day.
just feels pleasant.

it's not all that bad...

haha...wow.

can so many sad events merge in one day?
last day of the holidays.
exams upcoming.
a harsh epiphany.
and a blunt, numbing, piece of news which i don't know what to think of.

and now there's homework.
isn't that joyful?

well, it can't be all that bad...


and finally.
this song makes sense.

my diagnosis

i realise my blog fluctuates.
sometimes i can not post for a month.
sometimes i can post thrice a week.

blog swings i guess.

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here's my diagnosis.

he has a complex, that began and has developed for a long time.
due to many factors and details here and there.
and now with the affliction, it's just aggravated matters.

she is under a lot of pressure, from many areas in life.
certainly, it's not easy for her.

he needs an escape.
from all his emotional complexities.
he resorts to his old ways.

she doesn't like that.
especially since his old ways just aggravate his affliction.

he needs attention.
but its hard to give it to him.


therefore, i suggest a psychiatrist.
or a counselor.
to tend to him.


that's my diagnosis.
go for a second opinion if you like.

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i might be starting a series of abstract posts/stories
maybe i'll call it "dreamworld"
haha, laugh if you want.
i know. go on. help yourself.
laughter is good.




so you sailed away,
into a grey sky morning.

i know

k imagine you just got over a quarrel with someone else.

how would you feel, to just think about
despite how much you get frustrated at that person, you still love him/her so much.
and right at that moment when you're consoling yourself with this fact,
this hope of your love you can still hang onto,

that person goes -
"you know what's the most pissing thing about you? ..."

kinda saddening right?
maybe i'm too used to it already.

i know there's more to this person.
i know it.
and the day it'll come out, i'm gonna feel more than thankful.




---------------------------------------


i realise many a time, at a random place, i want to compose a new post,
but i either forget or have no time once i get the opportunity.
fascinating, isn't it?

awakening

worship today was good.
i felt this thingy.

it was along the theme of "awakening".
i think i felt like the worship was answering prayers of us youth.
or bringing some of us back onto track.
especially the last song.
it was an enlightenment to many.

well that's what i felt.
if anyone agrees just tag yeah?
would affirm me, thanks. (:


------------------------------------------------------------------------


also, i feel kinda disgusted with my recent (or long term) lack of self-discipline.
is like, if i have no pressure i get distracted easily.
i become playful.
then only after THAT happens, then i feel immense regret.
and the cycle replays.

until the pressure builds up and my body decides to do work.
and then i go like "why didn't i do it just now?"
and i get immensely annoyed with myself, and that leads to posts like these.
it feels so annoying.

ok, unnecessary things i did today which i could've done another time:
- media research
- emotional thinking
- internet games
- getting distracted by britain's got talent on youtube. (who the pong left that browser open?)

i think a solution would be to become nocturnal.
it worked on thursday.
but recently napping during afternoons have become increasingly difficult.
due to uncomfortably warm temperatures.

and now see, i have to do tuition work.
then still got school work.



oh man i do feel bad.
i need some way, God.
is this the mountain?

distance

distance
like repercussions, sliding in suspicious
waves of uncertainty.

you grasp
for something of a breath,
heavy with dejection.

crayons in neon
outline the faces, not one, not two
you draw them blank.

deluded, insanity.
the beholder confused and confuses.
falling, screaming silently.










"well, i need a break don't i?"


-ryan.

self-reminder.

ihs - research on scotland. consult shaun first.
history - do the essay for crying out loud.
chem. - where is my prac?!?! find it!
a math - a whole lot of catching up to do.
c math - the alpha beta thing.
chinese - yeah, done.
larts - coursework, due very soon, week 5!


life could be simpler.
but the jazz is, it's not.

intolerance.

normally i would think i'm quite tolerant.
people have told me that too.

of course, there are still many things that annoy me.

one now that somehow demands me to blog it.

IT ANNOYS ME DEEPLY.
that he puts on such a sweet voice and possible facade with friends.
then with us he's so rude and annoying and obnoxious.
and i think i'm the ONLY one who sees this.

it just feels like injustice.
this is one recurring theme that I find appears in my "list of intolerances".
i think i can't stand injustice.
it just, really really irritates me.

why can't he just be who he is and not act all different and sweetly glazed in front of friends?
then seek attention. what a hypocrite, as he says someone else seeks attention.

maybe i'm wrong.
maybe i'm only looking at the surface,
and there's something more to this i can't see.
something which explains it all.

i really hope that's the case, and that he's only like this for some underlying truth i can't see.
i'll try not to brood over this.
focus on the good.
yes yes, calmness.


still i praise you, Father.

break free

it spins.
absolute fragrance.
then it spits you to the ground.
nausea.
tearing you apart in beauty.
surfeit in indulgence.
wrapping softly, gently.
the confluence of soft and hard.
exploding inside.
shaking, grasping.
metal slams, you pick yourself up.
nowhere, no way, no place.
a void desert.
conscious, virtually sensing.
snap.
sleeping. vine of numbers.
taunting, treacherous.
screams. smiles. silhouettes.
bright snow. burns.
for something which lacks.
enveloping. hide in black.
sleep now. fading.
slowly. evolving.
yet depressing gently.
go to sleep now.
shhhh.
you're not there.
you're not there.


you're nowhere.

-ryan

rocking chair

"gong gong!"

haha, he used to come on Saturdays or Sundays.
and we'd just do the usual greetings.
hardly talk to him.

"gong gong, you like the lunch?"
"orh, orh..."

i remember the gentle voice.

then he would slowly semi-limp to the landing chair, and put on his shoes.
then we shout "bye, gong gong!"

sometimes, i'd come back from bb and see him, as usual in the rocking chair.
right beside my dad, discussing his recent purchase of jewel rings.
and hearing my dad rant about what people do in Lorong Lew Lian.

i always didn't see much of him when i came back from bb.

he gave me a fine watch once. Oxford.
i, not being the watch type, never used it.

A few days ago, I took out that box, blew off the dust, and revealed the watch inside.
It had stopped working.
Just like how gong gong's heart had, on 15th May, 5:01pm.

I set the time on that watch to 5:01pm.
Its hands never move again.


it's strange how a man can just be reduced from a physical entity, to just a pile of broken bones and ash in an urn.


it's strange how you have reccuring memories of a person, when you realise you won't have any more.


it's strange, how, even with few words, we felt so close to our grandfather.


it's strange how we used to take Sundays as normal days where we'd see the same quiet man

come and go,
come and go,
come and go...






and never come again.













all too suddenly.













and sometimes, i still miss him.

the word - "investigate"

"investigate".

what does it mean, and how was this word derived?
we all know how english is a compilation of many tongues.

so yes. let's investigate.

the word can be split up into "invest", "i" and "gate".

what does "invest" mean?

By dictionary.com, it means - "to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something."

"i", obviously refers to the singular subject, addressing to one's self.

"gate" -
"a movable barrier, usually on hinges, closing an opening in a fence, wall, or other enclosure".

So, the word "gate" could be a symbol, as to how while "investigating" something, the way seems blocked, but if we have the KEY.

the way is open and clear!

the KEY is in cracking the mystery!!

"i".

investigating starts with one's self.

who am i?
what is my purpose?
am i an entity?
am i good?
am i bad?
what's the meaning of life?
why must i do this?
what's it's significance?
how bout strawberry cream?
are bananas evil?
did i spell banana correctly?
if i didn't who would care?
if they DID care, why would I care?


investigate.



it will do you good.



so.

we, meaning ourselves (i) have to devote time and talent, to harness our ability in giving (invest), so that we can see how we just might obtain the KEY in opening the gate of mystery and spring out of the box of delusion.




i did this in school. during iso.
cos it's free time as exams are over.



yay.


marcus teo has lost respect for me.


RYAN THE OWNAGE.

insufficiency.

"you're so overstretched that you don't even have enough time for your...friends."

just a note - the above quote wasn't said in that frustrated, pissed off kinda tone, but in a sincere, wanna-help kinda tone.

but yeah, this recent conversation with a pretty close friend sorta affirms what i felt quite a while back, though i pushed those thoughts away.

Recap

though i've never blogged about this, never too late to catch up.

during an amath lesson a while back, i felt pretty depressed because i was like, sitting there, and i felt like whatever f(x) or -> thingy my teacher was scribbling on the board would make utterly no sense or not even help a single bit in the future.

which somehow led to how much time i'm wasting in lessons like these.

and my brain drifted off somewhere and made me suddenly think about my social life.
which is when i suddenly realised.

that my social life was constantly hindered and in a deep low because of educational systems.
and i thought about how so many a time i've never been able to help other good friends when they're feeling super bad;

let alone go out and have at least a simple chat or walk with them to catch up.

to the extent, that 95% of the times i log in on MSN, i'm always appearing offline.

"i used to ask you out but i don't now, because you're always so busy..."

slowly, this situation will get from bad to worse.

and can you imagine as the next few years progress?
in IB, yeah sure, you can say they're all struggling with me, so no one has a social life then.

but my really good friends are mostly in church.

i mean, really, it sucks to hear how slowly someone will draw away from you, because i just can't commit the same amount of time to him/her.

am i really too overstretched?

- bb = ltc exco (this is coming off soon)
- prefects = Internal affairs comm. (not in exco, thank God)
- chamber (this is practically nothing, there's no percussion this year).
- om (i'm just supporting, can only do so till' june, would end soon)
- vocal ministry = SL (this is a bit taxing, but important)
- 9th subject = Art (this is my passion)

ok, so currently i've got practically 5.
om will end soon, bb will lighten up when ltc finishes.
so that's like 3 1/2.

prefects? not gonna join council (quite a few reasons). but i don't think i'll quit.
9 subjects... should i drop amath?

i'm taking amath only because...
- people say it's important.
- it's supposed to help me with SL math in yr 5/6.
- then, i can concentrate on stuff like art!


sighh...
i know what.
i will MAKE time.

after mugging, things should be a lot smoother.
and... i'll be more pro-active in socialising.

yep yep.

alrightoes, feel a lil' better now...

off to math!

zinc carbonate is good for health,
ryan

of the dark ages.

during school last Friday, suddenly felt like penning this down.
guess it was the impact the clip "End of the World 2012" had on me.

DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a prophecy. Nor is it blasphemy. I'm just using my imagination. Yes.

of the dark ages
by Ryan Goh


the city weeps.
crimson flows,
dark and deep it goes.

an air of apathy.
the sky droops, a mourning.
the sunset in scorning.

silent howling.
its confidence, abolished.
all broken, crumpled, demolished.

"let there be light."
and there was.
but now echoes
the beast's uproars.

as shadow fell
and the Sun hid
the devil unleashes
upon the world, his bid.


I know it's quite dark and satanic-ky.
this is by no means an offence to anyone, or anything.

i think the flow's not too smooth, and there's something about the 4th stanza that doesn't sound quite right. the ending might be a lil' abrupt?

comments appreciated. (:


continue mugging till' its bugging!
ryan-.


P.S.
Oh, nearly forgot.
Cleo the Queen demands that I acknowledge how she inspired me.
Well, she did write a good essay.
So hear goes.

Inspired by - Cleo the Queen.


thank you.

have a nice day.

the calling.

note --> cremon: it's not that i turn to my blog first, i just like to record it down here first, before consulting people about it.

heya guys.

school's started again. whoopee for term 2.

my march hols weren't so good. school can be so annoying at times. holidays are meant for relaxation, not additional stress. frightful isn't it.

Saturday - Synapse. Great fun. met new friends! haha, i won't forget y'all la.
Sunday - Normal. Church. Worship was good, had an awesome vision.
Monday - acpb (acs prefectorial board) outing at east coast. rain didn't help much. food was ok, managed to snag back home some extra chicken wings! hehe.
Tuesday - 1/2 of the only whole days i could stay at home.
Wed - Fri - Cell Retreat! Pretty fun man. Learnt a thing or two. had an unexpected talk.
Saturday - The second whole day i could spend at home. (homework-ing, of course).
Sunday - Church.

Managed to finish 12 homework then. sigh. so annoying.

was actually supposed to have ministry retreat! sigh, so sad i missed it...
ahh well, if God says let some off, i should follow...

feel inspired to write more stories again, but haven't found the time.
i might if i find the time (that's if, i'm still interested by then).

imagine.

imagine you're a mother.

imagine your experience of first seeing a new baby boy.
imagine him coming out, fresh, crying, new.
imagine bringing him home in your arms, proud to call him your son.
imagine cuddling him in a shawl.
imagine comforting his fears with lullabies.
imagine him, a sleeping angel in the cot.
imagine teaching him how to open his mouth for the incoming spoon with glop.

imagine his first attempt to walk.
imagine his first successful attempt to walk.
imagine his first word.
imagine his first night without sucking his fingers.
imaging his first night without twilight cries.
imagine his first vacation with the family.
imagine his first model toy.
imagine his first visit to the nursery.
imagine his first friends.

imagine his first visit to primary school.
imagine the first teacher - prayer meeting.
imagine the complains.
imagine his first piece of homework.
imagine helping him with his first piece of homework.
imagine his first project.
imagine doing most of his project.
imagine his first examination results.
imagine him joining a sport.
imagine him getting into the school team.
imagine him in a competition.
imagine him winning.

imagine the times you scold him.
imagine the times you drive him home.
imagine the times you eat with him.
imagine the times he scolds you back.
imagine your deepest frustrations at times.

imagine his psle preparation.
imagine his psle papers.
imagine his psle results.
imagine his good psle results.
imagine his great excitement.

imagine opting him for a well-off school.
imagine his first day at the school.
imagine the new friends he makes.
imagine his new interest in a sport.
imagine having to pay 3k for his own laptop.
imagine going for track and field competitions.
imagine scolding him for not completing assignments on time.
imagine screaming at him for finding pornography in his computer.
imagine beating him for the first time.

imagine picking him up 3 days a week from training.
imagine talking to him in the car about the day.
imagine talking to him about his life.

imagine his deteriorating examination results.
imagine his late work.
imagine his poor-quality projects.
imagine the corruption of his character.
imagine his time being sucked away by his sport.

imagine him picking him up one day.
imagine him getting into the car all stinky, sweaty.
imagine his cheerfulness.
imagine driving home.
imagine driving home through the traffic, the red lights, green.
imagine rushing past the orange.
imagine him shutting the car door.
imagine him gleefully announce his presence to the household.

imagine collecting your thoughts.
imagine calling your husband.
imagine asking your boy to sit down.
imagine the puzzlement on his face.
imagine you and your husband, sitting on one couch.
imagine him looking at both of you, on another opposite.

imagine telling him that you both want him to quit.
imagine telling him that you want him to quit his sport.
imagine his face morph.

imagine spending half and hour scolding him.
imagine the rants on time.
imagine the rants on discipline.
imagine the rants on character.
imagine the rants on respect.
imagine the rants on priority.
imagine the rants on friends.
imagine the concluding statement.

imagine his argument.
imagine your shouts.
imagine his shouts.
imagine your screams.
imagine him dash up to his room.

imagine going on with other activities.
imagine hoping he'll think clearly.
imagine hoping he'll quit his sport.
imagine hoping he'll resolve to focusing on studies.

imagine him running downstairs again.

imagine him shouting that as real as you were his mother, his life wasn't worth living.


imagine him dash back up.
imagine him dash back with one last look of hatred, chaos and distress.

imagine your screams.
imagine your sprint after him.
imagine yourself praying right there and then.
imagine your cries after him.
imagine your desperation.
imagine your arrival at his room.
imagine him running towards his open window.
imagine your last desperation.
imagine your last cries.
imagine your outstretched arm just two metres away.
imagine a figure just descend.




imagine his smile.
imagine his words.
imagine his laughter.
imagine his candids.
imagine his humour.
imagine his quotes.
imagine him coming out of your womb.
imagine his first walk.
imagine cuddling him in your arms.
imagine his face.
imagine his face as you were talking to him thirty minutes ago.
imagine him.

imagine.

imagine.



















Note:
This poem is a tribute to Tan Wen Yi.
It is not based on his life, it is just inspired by it.
The characters in the poem are fictional.

This post is not intended as an insult to anyone, be it his parents or him.
I respect them both.







Dear Wenyi,

Hey man, if you can see this-
I don't know why or where
(my opinions don't matter),
but that's up to God.

I'm sorry, Wenyi,
I am.

Trust Him,
ryan

post-mission trip.

haven't blogged in a while.
been real busy.
gotta make this one shorter, cos i still have a history graded essay to do.

humans are full with emotions.
and now we all miss chiang mai '07 mission trip.
it was bittersweet.
we had the good times, and the good byes.

i mean even now, we feel the emptiness.

why is it we would want to feel this emptiness (or at least for me in any case)?
grief is not exactly what we would call a positive emotion.

but with emptiness, we remember that we once felt that meaning.

and personally for me, I might want to feel that emptiness.
I would want to remember those times, when I felt, although in a span of 8 days, my life had a void that was filled up. really filled up so fully.

I want to know and not forget.
I would want to know that those times held so much for me, mostly emotionally.

The void seems to already empty itself, and all that's left is the translucent traces of the meaning that was once there.
photos and memories, virtual connections.
memories the dearest.

if you forget those, you feel like you lose touch with that fulfillment in your life.
i think that's why we want to remember.
that's why we grief.
that's why we miss it.
and that's why, we (or I) would want to feel empty.


but of course, i know that my marketplace is here in Singapore as of now.
Slowly, the emptiness would trace away.
but i won't forget.

and in the end, it shouldn't be the emotions anyway.
most importantly, it's the spiritual calling.
don't let your emotions confuse that.


-------

i sympathise with my brother so much.

he had a harder blow of p.m.d (post mission depression).

i won't go into detail.

but I think God's showing me that because of this blow, he's become very "reactive", and I have to be a lot more sensitive.

like i heard in the mission trip, the affirmation from cheryl.
the affirmation of when God told me to let time pass, and him mature.

only God can do something in His life.
I shouldn't interfere just yet.


O Father, when?